The 10 Commandments of Fashion
TheDailyFix
As fall draws near the fashion rags are full of ‘the latest styles’ for the upcoming season.
We, however, are spending most of our time trying to figure out why women aren’t reading the magazines. Oh, they buy them all right, and they read them — voraciously even — but they don’t seem to be, well, retaining anything.
At least not anything of visual value.
Now we are not referring to the outlandish, overpriced, totally out there fashions that sometimes grace the pages of Vogue, Elle, Harper’s, etc., we are talking about the fine little fashion ‘tips’ pieces that well-meaning fashion editors continue to publish season after season, year after year.
Now, go and walk down any average street of America and you will see just how much of that advice readers typically retain.
Those of you living in the Mid-West really need get the point.
So, as part of our commitment to making The World A Better Place, we have assembled the following, The 10 (Fashion) Commandments for Women:
1. Thou shall not wear stretch Capri pants unless thou are
under the age of three years old. In fact, no female over the age of three
shall wear ANY large, colorful flower patterns splattered across their
butt. Ever.
2. Thou shall not wear cuffed, zip front, large patterned or otherwise
embellished pants of ANY kind if one is under the height of five foot
five inches. Otherwise thou shall look like a munchkin. Also, any tall
female who was unlucky enough to inherit short squatty legs (and you know
who you are because you have a long waist and pants never fit right) must
also Take Heed.
3. Micro minis slung dangerously low on one’s hip bones and expose
one’s navel are NEVER to be worn by any female who is (a), not 18
years of age or younger; (b), in the entertainment business and a size
zero or (c); a porn star. Preferably, all three.
4. Chunky, clunky platforms went out in the 1970’s for a very good
reason: they were and are butt-ugly. All women desiring to look sexy will
grit their teeth and jam their feet into tight, slut red, four-inch stiletto
pumps like their mothers and grandmothers did before them did. Some traditions
are simply destined to be passed on.
5. Thou shall not wear polyester ANYTHING. Ever. ‘Tis a mortal (fashion)
sin and always will be. And no, we don’t care how much ironing you
have to do, suck it up for God’s sake, this is fashion.
6. Heavy women shall not, repeat, shall not, wear anything that is remotely
dowdy, old lady-ish or unattractive. The average woman in America is now
a size 14. Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 to16 and no man, to this day,
thinks she was anything but hot, hot, hot. Thou shall dress chic, fashionably
and yes, even hot. Yeah verily, it costs just as much to dress badly as
it does well so sayeth The Goddess of Fashion.
7. East Coast women shall not own more than six suits in various shades
of black. West Coast women shall not own more than three sun dresses,
all of which may only be worn to and from the beach or to a local arts
and wine festival. Strapless versions of said sun dresses are for women
with firm triceps only.
8. Thou shall never wear tight jeans unless one has the body for it. Size
is not as important as the luck of the genetic draw. If you have an oversized
butt, or chunky thighs, even if you are a size three, thou shall not wear
tight jeans. A well-proportioned size 16 shall wear snug jeans however.
Be honest. When in doubt, thou shall hire a third party fashion consultant.
9. Thou shall have thy colors done. Professionally. The colors of orange
and (baby puke yellow) camel belong nowhere on your body in any form or
fabric. Please, be considerate of other people’s feelings.
10. Thou shall use fashion as an ally, not an enemy. That includes making
peace, once and for all, with the size and shape of one’s body.
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