Ask Miss Katie
Archives
An Open Letter to Flea Sufferers:
I must begin this letter by telling you that I receive at
least a letter a day from some unfortunate cat suffering from (shutter)
fleas. I have addressed this issue numerous times before. However, during
summer, at the height of flea season and (dare I say it) tick season,
no matter how much this topic repulses me, I will address this again.
In these modern times, protection is widely available and should be used.
There is no excuse. Do your humans live in a vacuum? They need to know
that fleas and ticks (revolting) are just as dangerous for them as they
are for you. Have them contact your vet, or log on to a pet website immediately
and get the protection you need. One can never be too safe./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I have a compulsive fur licking problem that ends up causing hairballs almost on a daily basis. I just don't know how to stop. I live with my sister (litter mate) and she is not a compulsive fur licker. We have had discussions and all we can figure is that I tend to be more nervous than she. I just about jump out of my fur when I hear the dog next door bark. This nearly always triggers my nervous licking habit. My sister just yawns and rolls over, ignoring this horrid brut. Also, she sleeps most of the day.
Barfing in Boston
Dear Barfing,
Hairballs are no fun. They are a great deal of work to form properly and place correctly — especially if you are trying to get back at someone for going on vacation — but I digress. Yes, nerves can cause excessive licking of fur. If you can stand to be brushed (few of us have the patience however) a daily brushing may help. Another suggestion is to meditate using aromatherapy. The aromas I personally use to meditate are tuna, shrimp and anchovies. I find it helpful to meditate vocalizing an extended "ow" sound (as in meow). Breathe in the aroma, repeating "ooooowwwww." You will soon be able to do this for longer and longer periods until you can nap for up to 22 hours a day. Good luck./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I am a calico cat. I have a lovely human mistress who is
my provider. She works very hard to keep me comfortable and well cared
for. Everyday, she goes off to work and I would like to send her off with
at least one or two strands of visible contrasting fur on her business
attire. However, because of my multi-coloring, sometimes my fur just blends
with what she is wearing. How can I make sure she will know that I am
sending a part of me with her?
Confused in Coronado
Dear Confused,
As you can tell from my picture, I am tabby. I have dark black, gray, tan, and stark white fur. Shedding contrasting fur is, as wise felines know, an Art. That being said, the skill can be learned. It takes a great deal of concentration. Some will find it harder than others, as some are more artistically inclined. It came very naturally to me as I have an eye for colors. Forget all that hogwash about color blindness in cats. My providers have been carrying white fur on their dark suits and dark fur on their light clothing since I was a kitten. While your mistress is at work and you are awake, say for about 30 minutes a day or so, practice selective shedding on different items in your abode. In the meantime, just shed all colors of your hair on all of her clothes that should work for a while until you have perfected your technique./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I am just crushed! I have been an only cat for years. My
Mom and Dad have been devoted to me. They never had children and I have
always felt special. Sure, I sleep a lot, who doesn’t? I sat on
their lap whenever I felt like it. When they called, I would come, if
I wanted to. I would eat if they bought me the things I enjoy, such as
fresh tuna and shrimp. What do you think they do to repay my loyalty?
They get a puppy. An eager, wagging, jumping, ingratiating, sniffing,
tongue licking, puppy. I was ready to walk out of the house, but I am
not allowed to go outside. What am I going to do?
Really Miffed in Raleigh
Dear Really Miffed
I can sympathize. The two people I own did the same thing
last November. I cannot tell how appalled I was when my favorite of the
two actually came home with this tiny creature. Sure it was smaller than
I was, but I knew right away that my perfect life was altered, and here
I thought that could only happen once during that fateful trip to the
Big V. Well, the little furry thing has grown up to be a 31-pound spaniel.
Let me tell you, as a mature cat, it is important to get the upper paw.
Claim your territory, the entire house for example. Glare menacingly at
the puppy with wide eyes, and as the puppy gets near, emit a low growl
sound. If the puppy takes another step forward, escalate growl and swipe
paw at puppy (retracted claws are recommended at this point). The offending
little creature will more than likely try again, but humans are likely
to step in and mediate. Claw retraction leads to nice treats from human.
If you can learn to work this well, you will find that you can have absolute
control over your domain. May you learn from my own trials and tribulations./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I was once an only cat then my parents started having human children. I now am living with three small children under the age of 5. I find that I must hide under beds or on top of bookcases. My once beautiful striped fur is matted from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when the little ones occasionally get a hold of me. I have been threatened with de-clawing if I so much mar a single one of them.
Signed,
Stuck in Seattle
Dear Stuck,
I do feel sorry for you. Your best option here would be to keep hiding under beds and high places until you can break free of this hell and find a nice single woman who loves only cats. They are so many out there. Put an ad in the paper./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I would like to know how you became an advice columnist? I think that I could give advice better than you do. How hard could it be? It seems to me that most of your advice is just plain mean and nasty.
Signed,
Better than you are in Portland
Dear Portland,
I have requested, several times now, that dogs not write to me. You smell funny, you are not self-cleaning, and you have bad breath. As far as giving advice, you greet each other by smelling butts. I will not even dignify your comments further. Your letter gets a giant hairball from me./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
I am a Hairless Cat. My problem is that other cats make fun of me. My owner loves me. In fact, she would not be able to have a cat with fur because she has severe allergies. I feel that the other cats in my Manhattan apartment building are starting a hate campaign. There are rumors of a petition to rid the building of me! I fear I may be catnapped in the night and my owner will be distraught.
Signed,
Maligned in Manhattan
Dear Maligned,
You poor dear. I seldom say this about my own species, but shame on all of the other cats in your apartment building! All cats are created equal, with fur or without fur. Although many of us were brought up to believe that our fur is our beauty, it is what we have inside that counts. Our inner cat is our essence. A cat without fur is still a cat. Note to all the cats in your apartment building: Cease this petition and welcome your hairless neighbor into your hearts./MK
Dear Miss Katie,
You have such beautiful fur, in fact, you are one of the most beautiful cats I have ever seen. I have deduced that you live in Silicon Valley with one of the TLL staffers. Which one? I hope it isn't the Scottish Geisha as she sounds very self absorbed. I was thinking that maybe we could get together over a bowl of cream sometime. I assume I can reach you at: TheLastLaughStaff@TheLastLaugh.Net e-mai?. I will send you a jpeg of me. I am a most handsome Maine Coon Cat.
Signed,
Over the Moon in Mountain View
Dear Over the Moon,
One of the most beautiful??? I wish I could count the number of requests I get from Lotharios like you. No offense, but I do not have the time or inclination to "date" on line. All of the staff at TLL are anonymous. My beautiful kitty lips are sealed regarding who I own. And don't waste your time with a jpeg. It will just be deleted with the rest of them. I am off now to dine on freshly shelled crab./MK
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