Big Sticks, Small Pucks: NFL Ice Hockey and Other Sports Obsessions
Where Athletic Support Comes In Many Shapes and Sizes
A Most Ladylike Guide to Hockey
A Most Ladylike Guide To Hockey
Part III - How To Score
There is only one way to score in the game of hockey. This is: get the puck into the net. It is very simple concept although because men play the game they tend to try and make it much more complex than it truly is. Also, because men play professional hockey, and they persist in refusing to ask for directions, scoring tends to remain a difficult thing.
Go figure.
Also, the other team insists on putting a really difficult person, who likes to pretend he is that scary guy Jason in the horror movies, at their end of the rink. And everyone who has seen those cheesy movies knows that you sure can't ask him for directions. He's got issues out the yin-yang.
But we digress.
Anyway, the whole idea is to get the little puck into the BIG net and to do so, sometimes you have to get a bit....shirty to make that happen because the goalie -- that's the Jason guy hogging the whole net area -- was an only child growing up and has no clue how to share. It's a sad situation all the way around but hey, it is the other players' fault the goalie's parents wouldn't make play dates for him as a child?
We think not.
And this whole discussion brings up full circle, back to the entire reason people live, breathe and live for hockey: you get to break the conventional rules of daily conduct.
And everyone loves you for it.
God, what a great game this game of hockey.
Part II- Jobs On The Ice
It is fall and that generally means that a young lady’s fancy turns
to…HOCKEY. For you proper ladies we offer a series of guidelines
so that you all can finally, in chick talk, understand the mysterious
world of hockey.....
Overview: Hockey, above all else, is a team sport. Everybody has a job on the ice and is only supposed to do their own job. That's because nobody has time to attend 12-step co-dependent meetings. Players simply spend too many hours on the road for that. What they do in the off-season is their business however. Let's start with the most important job on the team.
Defensepersons (most important job by the way, did we say that yet) are generally rather...well fed, healthy boy sorts. They actually are not terribly cranky. It is simply their job, two at a time, to remind the other team players that the puck should really be with their team, not the other team. The skate backwards a lot. Surly, aka, number 22 of the Sharks, Scott Hannan, is a defenseman. He spends a lot of time reminding the other team about this puck-ownership thing. And he's ever so polite about it. OK, cute, Surly is positively cute about it. But be careful if you tell him that, he will get all embarrassed and that won't do because when Surly gets embarassed....well, never you mind, just watch a NHL game sometime and see what happens when somebody embarrasses a defenseman.
OK, so now you know what defensepersons do. Their job is
to ensure that you get to play with the puck as long as you want. The
other players are called 'wings' or offensepersons. They are called that
because they are very easily offended, fragile even. Emotionally, they
spend a lot of time in group therapy. Or should. They tend to have...issues.
There are lots of wings allowed on the ice at once. Right wingy, left
wingy and centerwingy. No, wait, the last one is just called center because
that player really thinks they are the center of the universe. They tend
to be very photogenic but lack the ability to express themselves well.
And they like to hog the puck.
The other players secretly detest the centerperson. Centers glide up the ice and hog all the photo opts. Left wingys are tasked with starting as much crap as they can. It is their job to get into a LOT of fights over absolutely nothing and then to stand on the chair in the penalty box (not an easy thing on bladed skates) and scream bloody murder. Right wingys cry at chick movies and are good fathers. Left wingys are Republicans with really big muscles. Right wingys spend all their time calming everyone down, for God's sake, and pleading with other team members to use their words, not their hands. Left wingys get served a lot of restraining orders and are on a first name basis with anger management coaches (often court ordered). Right wingys embrace New Age, light incense in their lockers and are really good at yoga. Left wingys are convinced that WWW wrestling champs are sissy boys and need to get the crap knocked out of them. Right wingys can load and unload a dishwasher, remember to call their mom on her birthday and dote tenderly on their pets which are often small scruffy mutts named Ruffus. Nobody wants a left wingy for a neighbor. Scott Parker, The Shark's newest enforcer, is a left wingy. But you didn't read that here.
So, when the left wingy isn't busy pounding somebody's face into the ice, he's making sure that the right wingy isn't being too darn nice to everybody. The center and right wingys try really hard to share the puck which is pretty easy when the left wingy is busy standing in the penalty box screaming bloody murder. The center and the right wingy, who are probably seeing each other on the sly, spend a lot of time passing the puck. And whatever else they fancy. They are pretty fellas after all and therefore nobody says anything much. They get the puck down to the net thingy and they spend as much effort as it takes to distract the goalie (giant person who wants to star in scary movies). 'Distract' is best done via teasing said goalie mercilessly about how he should definitely be considering calve implants. This is usually enough to send the goalie to the showers in tears. He sometimes calls his mom when he thinks nobody is looking. Everyone knows though.
The only other job on the ice is that of the goalie. He spends all of his time smacking his stick on the ice because all the players are at the other end of the rink having a swell party and nobody invited him. He pretends that his water bottle is a cell phone and spends most of his free time screaming into in in obscure Eastern European dialects. He gets cold feet a lot and does funny little dances to amuse the fans. His claim to fame is that he can do the horizontal splits and gets hit in the groin a lot but doesn't cry about it.
Part I – Penalties
Penalties: A Background: Most of hockey is spent on the ice. Breaking the rules. You know, like when you were a teenager. This is because the vast majority of hockey is all about penalties. A lot like the institution of marriage come to think of it. Just like marriage, men are considered the guilty ones who screw things up. This is why so many men want to be professional hockey players. They are already used to being in trouble at home.
Mostly, when a hockey player ‘gets in trouble’ he gets sent to hockey’s version of the dog house. This is called, for the sake of male dignity, the penalty box. But it works out to be the same thing as one’s spouse being REALLY MAD about something. Generally speaking, it is up to the professional hockey player to get away with as much as possible, up to, and including murder but not get caught. But just like in marriages and relationships, mostly men get caught. Just like when men cheat on their spouses, hockey players tend to be pretty obvious about penalties.
However, unlike cheating there are levels to penalties (most women consider so much as thinking about touching another woman the same crime as actually having sex with another woman). Men have been trying to get women to understand this notion for thousands of years. In hockey, a player can think about smacking another player around all he wants. He can even do it all he wants. He only gets in trouble if the ref (think mother in law on blades) catches him.
Hockey is a great sport.
Anyway, below are listed the various levels and types of penalties.
Minors: Two minutes in the time out box. Roughly equivalent to forgetting to bring home dinner or pick up the dry cleaning. And the team cannot bring in another player while the ‘bad player’ thinks about what he did. Think jaywalking, speeding tickets and the like. Misdemeanors.
Majors: Five minute time outs. This is more serious. Like forgetting your significant other’s birthday or commenting that the dress she is wearing must have shrunk. Three of these and a player gets kicked out of the game; the equivalent of finding your honey with in a compromising position with a 26 year old administrative assistant named Bambi. Of course, there is no substituting players. The team must play without one player which makes the other players really mad that the player in the time-out box was stupid enough to get caught. They usually scream at him in the locker room when the game is over. Yes, even if they win the game. Think felonies like arson, burglary and grand theft auto. All without the benefit of a really good lawyer.
Misconducts: Generally three types of misconducts exist in hockey suggesting another reason men want to play hockey. At home the number of misconducts are endless. In hockey, there are only a few to keep straight:
Basic misconduct: A ten-minute time out for such things as yelling at the ref. At home it would be much, much worse of course. And because of that, men feel sorry for the player who did the yelling and allow the teams to sub in another player. Men who never learned to use their words, not their hands are frequent violators.
Get a game misconduct: Sounds like something a rapper would sing about but that’s misleading as hell. Beat the crap out of a player really, really badly and do it three times in one season and a player gets to sit out an entire game. If the penalty is really vicious, it might only be two times. Way more chances than a guy would get at home however.
Gross misconduct: Equivalent of sleeping with the spouse’s best friend. Fines, kicked out of games, suspensions, the works. Divorce lawyers love the domestic equivalent of course.
Roughing: About the same a 11 year old boys in a shoving match on the playground. Nobody really gets hurt but a lot of guys circle around to watch.
Hooking: A big no-no. Involves jealousy. This is when the second player is about to do something that the first player really would prefer that he not. Like score a goal. Frustrated and generally an only child who wasn't given proper boundaries as a child, the first player takes his hockey stick and vigorously prods the second player in a manner such that the second player cannot do what he intended to do. Despite wearing liberal padding, this action, typically done while skating a speeds upwards of 30 to 40 miles an hour, can hurt. A lot. The second player, who comes from a family of 11 girls and was beat up by his little sisters his entire life, is not about to lose face on national television (or go home and get beat up by his chubby 22-year-old sister either). So, this kind of penalty always leads to lots of other penalties. The second player gets to choose which ones however.
Charging: Has nothing to do with platinum credit cards but is about players who rush headlong into other players. Even if they are very glad to see them, players who do this can get time outs if they are caught. Even if they claim their wives wanted them to practice for the next big shoe sales at Macys, most refs won’t buy it. Men don’t go to shoe sales. The harder the hit, the more likely the charge will be upgraded to a major penalty.
Interference: Commonplace when player number two is again about to do something player number one doesn’t like. (Yes, player number one really has issues.) Normally, number two is about to catch up with the puck or skate into a favorable position. It is up to player number one to stop him from doing this. But again, not get caught. This is like having sex with a neighbor down the street. Generally, somebody is going to see player number one do this one too many times. Knocking a hockey stick out of player number two’s hands counts as interference. You sort of have to use the stick to push the puck around. Think Lucy Van Pelt and Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. Nobody likes Lucy. She’s a bitch.
Slashing: Tricky one to prove. Hitting is OK as long as the other player doesn’t cry too hard apparently. This is a lot like ignoring your spouse by refusing to take out the garbage until her scream of protest hits a certain pitch or she confiscates the remote, or both. If the guilty one makes the other player cry by hitting him really, really hard then all the other players agree not to invite him for a sleep over, that sort of thing. Plus, they say mean things about him behind his back.
High sticking: Literally smacking somebody upside the head, whether he deserves it or not. Only the player’s moms are allowed to do this.
Checking from behind: Generally goosing a player is a no-no. Often performed by players who think the Fab Five, cast from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy are hot. Totally in the closet maneuver. Straight players take offense to this sort of behavior.
Fighting: This is one of those penalties that is very similar to being in the back seat of the station wagon when you are seven years old. Think you and your nine year old brother who starts screaming that you touched him and your right on the edge of insanity mother has HAD IT. “I don’t care WHO started it! You are both grounded!” is generally the punishment and that goes double for fighting in hockey. This happens even though both players take their gloves off so not to mess up their nice uniforms. Honestly. If nobody listens and the fighting continues then players get sent to the showers alone (see checking from behind to understand why some find this a worse punishment than others).
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