TheLastLaugh.net

Super Stars Pitney And Shea Anser Your Most Probing Questions!!

Q. Dear P & S: I am your MOST adoring fan! Is all the media coverage regarding your exploits true? Sincerely, Ruffus
A. Dear Ruffie, Goodness no. You know how the media likes to exaggerate. For instance, the story about us tearing the mailman limb from limb, totally blown out of proportion. We never killed him, he's still on life support for goodness sake.
Q. Dear P & S: I LOVE you guys! I look up to you two and want to be more like you. However, I'm not nearly as tough as the two of you. Any tips on how I can butch it up? Sincerely, Fifi The Toy Poodle
A. Dear Feef: Start by changing your breed. Otherwise, you don't have a prayer.
Q. Dearest P & S: You guys are the BOMB! How do you stay in such great shape? Yours, Bow-Wow
Dear BW: We always are busy, what with personal appearances, movie deals, working out with our stunt coordinator.. And we continue, on top of our busy professional schedules, to patrol the home front. Birds, squirrels, critters and varmints, all need regular clearing out. You know, when you are on top, it seems like there is always somebody trying to challenge you. We keep on top of the details and that seems to keep us in top condition.
Dear P and S: I so admire your trim figures...what do you guys eat? Fondly Yours, Paddy The Pug
Dear Pads: We adhere to a strict diet. Beefy treats, Milk bones, Snauages, pig's ears and, of course, Frosty Paws, are daily, hourly appetizers. Of course, this only keeps us going until we get to the real stuff: Philly cheese stakes, pizza, steak, rump roast (species independent) are our main staples. We try to stay away form too much foreign food but we did feast on some Asian treats from down the street recently. Though that's another story...
Dear P and S: I read every single story the press writes about you! Can you tell me more about the one incident that involved the bumper of the neighbor's car? Yours Forever, Milo The Golden Retriever
Dear Miles: Not without benefit of counsel.

 
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The Diary Of Miss Katie

Day ONE. Oh Joy and Rapture. My prayers have finally been answered. Tall man who makes much noise and human mommy have finally acquiesced and are getting rid of THAT THING. They have finally taken that dog creature and must be driving it off into the wilderness. The only thing I don’t understand is why they packed suitcases for this event. Must be driving That THING a long ways away.

Day TWO. On second thought, they must be driving that THING a long, long, LONG ways away. Pleasantly enough, adorable human child stopped by this morning to ensure that I had enough sustenance to sustain me in my Time Of Need. Surely human mommy and tall man who makes much noise haven’t gone off with That THING on, shutter, a holiday?

Perish the thought.

Day THREE. Have investigated, thoroughly, confines of home only to discover that human mommy and tall man who makes much noise have indeed gone off on some sort of excursion. I know, I know, how could they? Not to worry, human mommy will have a deal of a time cleaning up all the shredded toilet paper in all three bathrooms whence she returns.

Did she expect anything less?

Day FOUR: Adorable human child has tried to console me, to no avail. Honestly, does she think that freshly prepared sushi and succulent filets of smoked salmon will even begin to make up for this betrayal? Poor child, she has no clue.

Off to dismantle contents of tall man’s office.

One has to create distractions for one’s self these empty, lonely days.

Day FIVE. OK, enough is enough. Where ARE THOSE people anyway? Yes, adorable human child has come over to pay homage every day but what is daily worship compared to the minute by minute rituals necessary to sustain me in my all too meager environment?

Off to find another credit card of tall man who makes much noise as I have discovered something called the shopping channel.

Day SIX: Remind me to thank Joan Rivers, that rather scary looking human woman-person. She has helped me realize and exact my revenge. What credit cards won’t do, truly. And such vulgar, tacky items to boot.

Not a diamond collar in the entire lot.

But I did achieve something called ‘maximum credit limit exceeded’, isn’t that charming?

Day SEVEN: Well, well, well, and not a moment too soon. How much longer did they think I would endure? And, to add insult to injury, human mommy and tall man who makes much noise have returned, with That THING, all but dashing my flickering hope for a Real Life again.

No matter. I shall reward their treachery by sulking and copious ignoring. Very soon groveling and begging will set in.

Oh, and there is the little matter of ‘extended credit limit’. A little additional effort involving that Joan Rivers person and her dreadful jewelry collection should just about finish that off.