Getting The Last Laugh In 2004
TheDailyFix
Editor's Note: Readers beware, everyone has HAD IT with the following:
Telemarketers: :I answer, "Gay and Lesbian hotline; how may I help you?" It shakes up the TM so badly they tend to forget their own names. This tactic has never failed, in my experience.
Ex Spouses: I waited until I hooked up with someone really hot and invited my ex to everything. Parties, get togethers, sporting events, you name it. I spent years battling my ex in court for child support owed but when I ended up with a great guy, I generously sent my ex invitations to everything, including my expensive wedding bash. Since he didn't show, I plan on Fed-Xing him pictures of our honeymoon in Tahiti with my giant diamond wedding ring in full view. Since my ex was too cheap to spring for even a $50 fake, you can imagine who's going to get the last laugh now.
Bastard Bosses: I plan on quitting, right during the most horrendously stressful, and critical to the company's success, trade show and sales event we participate in. My boss treats me and my team worse than slaves so I'm lining up a cool new position and timing it so I can quit right when all hell is breaking loose. Since this is the only time the mucky mucks on high watch this creep, he is going to fall right on his face. Bonus points: two other people on my team, both in critical positions, are working on doing the very same strategy.
Ungrateful or Soul Sucking Family Members: My family uses me for everything; money, free housing, you name it. I'm moving across country and not leaving a forwarding address.
Cheating Significant Others: I'm sending my boyfriend's other girlfriend pictures of him doing what he thinks is his cute little 'naked dance'. Since she has no idea I even exist, should be entertaining as hell.
My guy treats me like I'm a third class citizen. He won't take me to meet his folks, pretends our 'dates' are just causal get togethers, etc. I guess that four years of devotion really does make us 'just friends'. Worse, he makes it pretty obvious that he is always on the look out for somebody thinner, prettier and more successful than me. I put myself on a strict diet, got a major make over and signed up for a speed dating gig. I meet somebody nice I will take him and my new thin self to one of those friendly get togethers that my guy likes to go to and 'forget' to take me along.
My baby sister dated a world class heel. He took her money, her heart and her soul. She was so heartbroken she got hooked on painkillers and had to do rehab after the jerk cruelly dumped her. Recently I found out he was engaged to some nice trust fund idiot at my office. The kicker is, he made up his entire background, right down to the degree from the posh east coast school he never attended! I was so infuriated for my sister and this poor girl about to be duped that I hired a private detective and, for the mere sum of $500, had the guy deliver a dossier to the new victim that would make reality tv shows clamor for the rights to showcase. The guy even has a felony conviction for fraud! Needless to say, the rumor is that the $100K wedding is off and the heel is out in the cold. In the meantime, my sister met a wonderful man in rehab. It was the best $500 I ever spent.
(Editors' Note: A resounding TLL honorable mention to the grad student who, upon receiving her doctorate, is planning on sending her advisor-lover's wife, a well documented thesis that has nothing to do with her degree and everything to do with what her advisor has been up to the past few years.)
Unethical Vendors: I plan on torching my car right in front of the auto repair shop. I'll probably get arrested but after what the auto repairman did to my car and how he ripped me off, the media coverage will be worth it.
A hairdresser ruined my coif, I mean chunks of hair fell out and I had to spend $400 on a wig while it grew out! Worse, I had begged her not to use a certain treatment on my hair but she went ahead with it, with disastrous results. Then she refused to make amends so, instead of spending my time and money on small claims court I asked a photographer buddy to take a photo which I am in the process of blowing up to poster size. I plan on parading out in front of the salon for as long as it takes to chase away other prospective customers!
A roofer ripped me off royally. I spent a ton of money, a friend of a friend, sort of thing, and he took me hook, line and sinker. I have tired everything I know but the rat refuses to even accept my registered letters. So, I am having a large sign make that claims his business did my root (true) and underneath, a VERY large list of all the mistakes he made and what it cost me (also all true). Passersby can draw their own conclusions when they see this billboard, posted prominently outside my home on MY property.
Impossible Work Situations: I can't afford to leave my job right now; there is nothing in my ever-shrinking field or in my area and my boss delights in making my life miserable. So, because she insists on having her own pot of coffee, I plan on grinding up ground copious amount of laxatives and hiding them in the ground beans. She will probably start ordering the entire office to make Starbucks runs but the initial reaction will be worth more than a few giggles behind her vicious back.
Impossible Home Situations: I wish I could leave my dictator of a husband but he has all our funds tied up in yet another start-up venture so I'm screwed until we go public. Meanwhile, I am going to enjoy myself with every vapid younger man I can get my hands on. Once the divorce and the settlement are final, I'll hand him a detailed list of everyone I've screwed so he knows how it feels. To be screwed, that is.
Horrible Divorce Settlements: My ex took it all, the house, money, kids, 401Ks, even the season tickets to a sporting event she loathed. I'm getting the last laugh though, I'm dog napping her beloved Yorkie and giving the yappy little mutt to my sister who lives thousands of miles away. The dog will have a good home but my ex won't ever get over the loss of her precious, 'Pookie'. Oh, and I'm sending her untraceable Polaroids of the dog blindfolded and bound; just so she is convinced the animal was mistreated.
Editor's Note: We will check in with our winners in a few months to find out how their plans are progressing!!
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