TheLastLaugh.net
HGTV Design Shows
Installment 12: Cable television is shredding the very fabric of America.
Quite literally.
Have any of you taken a gander at The Home and Garden Channel recently? If not, don’t do it. Do not go any where near your television, it is far, far too risky. HGTV, as it likes to be called, has somehow figured out a way to send subliminal messages through certain programs. If you watch any of the shows listed below, your willpower will no longer be your own and the following symptoms are certain to arise:
Design On A Dime:
Show premise: Armed with three multi talented designers and crafterspersons, redo somebody’s cruddy living space to the tune of just one grand.
What happens when you watch: You begin to hate all your friends for not being able to paint, craft, sew and design the way this thrilling trio does. Solution: Get new friends.
Room By Room:
Show premise: Two dorky Midwesterners crack stupid jokes and decorate rooms based on a fairly standard set of decorating rules and guidelines while pushing paint solutions (show is sponsored by a paint manufacturer).
What happens when you watch: You start donning badly fitting khakis, somewhat faggy flannel shirts and sporting truly bad 1970’s hairdos. Sprouting phrases like, “Background check!” and, “Inspiration piece!” you start documenting all your decorating projects in a giant scrapbook though you remain uncertain why this is a good idea.
Decorating Cents:
Show Premise: Completely redo a room for under $500.
What happens when you watch: You succumb to an overwhelming desire to dumpster dive, paint huge swatches of primary colors on tiny walls and hand knit sheets together into strangely pleasing area rugs. You make grand lampshades out of cat hair and lint. Your ability to decoupage becomes legendary. Your friends begin to avoid you.
Designing For The Sexes:
Show Premise: Swishy peace loving decorator brings harmony to embattled sexes over design differences of opinion.
What happens when you watch: You begin to dress nattily, collect toy cars and speak with an English accent. Macho guys suddenly want to beat the snot out of you but large women with indifferent husbands will kiss you on both cheeks and offer you tea. You spend way too much time telling people with bad taste, “I know what you mean!” when you really don’t.
Designer’s Challenge:
Show Premise: Three designers compete for chance to make over a relatively posh space by presenting ultra-expensive and high-end solutions with the same level of panache as market savvy CEOs presenting to board of directors.
What happens when you watch: You begin to deeply resent the fact that you don’t have $30 grand lying around to redo some tiny bathroom that really only needs a fresh coat of paint and some new towels. Rich people stink.
Sensible Chic:
Show Premise: Take out outrageously expensive designer room and redo another room just like it but for pennies on the dollar.
What happens when you watch: Realize that you don’t
have even the drastically reduced funds to redo the room on the cheap.
Wonder why the stupid designer ripped off the clients with the really
expensive room in the first place if it was so easy to match the same
look and feel for thousands of dollars less. Resolve never to trust another
decorating show in your life. Switch to TLC and find a re-run of: Trading
Spaces.
Designing For Dimwits
So Little On The Boob Tube is Even Worth Trashing These Days...
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Trading SpacesGoodness. Who knew so many of you felt so strongly about decorating? We received tons of letters and emails protesting our…oversight regarding the icon of decorating shows, Trading Spaces. Seriously. We beg forgiveness. Apparently had we been watching TLC and not HGTV we would have KNOWN that Trading Spaces was way more cool than, say, Landscaper’s Challenge. Ok, so, reruns of The Brady Brunch are probably more interesting that Gardener’s Challenge but this Law Of Physics shattering fact aside, we present to you the low down on some of the Trading Spaces star cast and crew: Frank Bielec: Decorating/Personal Style: Acts totally gay but is happily married. To a woman. No, really. Creative and funny, Frank is likely to paint Tuscany inspired murals all over your kitchen walls while throwing colorful one-liners at participants. What happens when you watch: You get an overwhelming urge to stencil your children and decoupage hundreds of leaves of potted silk plants with tiny, naughty images of semi nude celebrities. Genevieve Gorder: What happens when you watch: Puce green, shocking pink and the palest shades of periwinkle all suddenly begin to look wonderful together. Sewing up 100 years of tulle and bullion fringe seems like a great way to spend your time. Glue guns become Your Friend. You are armed and packing and you like it. You really like it. Douglas Wilson: Decorating/Personal Style: Always acts like he has a migraine coming on and responds to even the nicest query with a Perpetually Snotty Retort. Never listens to a thing said by participating team members and therefore rooms never meet even the most basic lifestyle needs of homeowners. What happens when you watch: The guy instantly becomes a symbol for all the scary reasons you fear to hire somebody to manage your nightmare of a kitchen remodel. This guy makes you want to recommend his decorating services to your most detested enemy however. The idea of your most hated foe having to live with hideous hay stuccoed walls and cheesy movie theatre room stylings can make your day. Vern Yip: Decorating Style: Cool, funky and fun, Vern looks fresh and smooth even after 14 straight hours of relaying a hardwood floor. Even tempered and genuine, his hip Asian style influence works equally well with Yuppies, DINKS as it does with traditional families. What happens when you watch: Red suddenly seems to be your Color Of Choice. Heck, one more episode with Vern and you would happily paint the entire inside of your entire home scarlet. Paper lanterns, silken fabrics and Fung Shei all suddenly make sense and country style makes you gag. You feel the need to bitch slap anybody who even remotely suggests gingham. Amy Wynn-Smith: Style: Low key; carpenter chick most likely to hang out with; tomboy with girly girl edge sporting a tool belt most men would give their right wing nut to get a date with. What happens when you watch: Hammers and sanders begin to be viewed as possible Instruments of Seduction. You go to fancy furniture stores and leave empty handed while mumbling, “If I can get my hands on enough unfinished cherry wood, I could make that bedroom set…” Ty Pennington: Style: Studly carpenter muffin in a tee shirt and jeans. Humorous and hunky without being too impressed with himself, the guy could build a stairway right to your heart. Or bed, depending on how loose your morals are. What happens when you watch: You cease thinking about wood grains and carpentry measurements (except maybe his) altogether. Armoires and custom benches mean nothing, nothing to you….is this guy available or what? Page Davis: Style: Perky with Adorable Figure We Must Always Show Off Trading Spaces Show Hostess. Perky to the point that she needs to be buried alive, Davis spends most of her time running between houses and getting into ha, ha, Lighthearted Trouble. Reality check: No designer trusts her with so much as a paint rag. Most spend considerable brain cycles conjuring up Vapid Craft Activities to keep Davis out of their collective hair. What happens when you watch: You thank the Technology Fairies profusely
for the mute button on your remote control.
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