A Mother's Greatest Weapon...The History Channel
Editor's Note: Nothing for the kiddies to watch this summer? We must disagree....
It’s summertime and that means that officially, there is not a damn thing on television.
Except for The Cartoon Network and a couple of shows on Nickelodeon, there isn’t anything worth watching. Even the cable networks like The Food Network and HGTV are mostly in reruns.
This means a lot of moms are going to go crazy if something isn’t done pretty quick. Fortunately, there are enough fools at theLastLaugh.net who have actually, God help us, bred other, real live human beings so we can offer some really sound, proven to work, absolutely successful advice on monitoring television with your children this summer.
Ultra top secret advice: And Every Mom’s secret weapon to a fight free, whine free, perfectly lovely summer is?
The History Channel.
Yes, that’s right, The History Channel.
This is how it works:
Step I: Confiscate all television remotes, even your own.
Step 2: Descramble all television sets in the house save for the smallest,
most unappealing set (yours no doubt).
Step 3: Set your tiny TV to the history channel and hide then all remotes.
Step 4: Wait precisely 15 and one half seconds…..
Kids: “MOM! There is nothing on TV!!!!”
Mom: “Oh yes, there is,” you say. “There is this wonderful documentary on 17th century England…pull up a chair!”
Kids: “MOM! None of the other TVs work!!”
Mom: “I know dear, I’ve called the cable provider and they will be out as soon as possible.”
For those of you who have tried to upgrade your internet connect to anything faster than the speed of watching glaciers move, you know that this can take, on anywhere from three weeks from Tuesday until interstellar travel is a reality. Given today’s modern, knowledgeable child, they too, know this. And if you have configured their computers properly, they won’t be spending too much time getting into trouble on those little gems either. Drat those parental controls.
Meanwhile, the kids will have to resort to something….drastic.
This could actually, brace yourself, mean going outside to play. Or visiting the neighbors or, thank you J. K. Rowling, reading a book. The latest Harry Potter installment is only 870 pages, though, most kids can suck that down in the time it takes you to order take out. Anyway, the point is, eventually, they are going to do what you have only dreamed of in the past: THEY ARE GOING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND STOP BOTHERING YOU.
The History channel is an effective disciplinarian tool as well. Little Suzie won’t eat her broccoli? Tommy won’t clean his room? No problem! Instead of grounding them just use the History channel strategy.
Mom: “Susie, eat your vegetables.”
Suzie (who is three years old next week) “Go to hell mom.”
Mom: “That’s it young lady! You are so in trouble for sassing back and not obeying me! You are hereby going to watch the entire 12 hour documentary on the Civil War starting right now.”
Suzie: “No! Mom! Please!!! I’ll eat my broccoli! I will! I will! Right now…can I have seconds?”
Tommy: “Uh, mom? May I be excused to go and clean my room?”
See how easy that was?
The only thing we need to stress is that you must NEVER substitute any other channel in this strategy. The Discovery Channel has far too many interesting specials on mummies and tortured dead bodies being thrown off pyramids for this to work. Animal Planet will definitely NOT work because that crazy Aussie continues to run around provoking giant live reptiles and getting paid handsomely for his suicidal behavior we might add. Plus, there is that utterly vapid yet wildly popular show about America’s funniest pets which, if your kids watch, means that your husband’s brand new Camcorder will mysteriously disappear and Cuddles the cat will be in dire need of feline Prozac by the end of the week. Not worth the risk. Finally, that channel has a rather interesting show called Big Cats Diary which your kids wouldn’t be bothered to watch unless they get to see lions slaughtering zebras but your house cats might well become addicted to. It’s happened before.
So stick to the plan and you are guaranteed to have a wonderful,
stress free summer. Now, if you will excuse us, there is a little matter
of a Spanish American War marathon and taking out the trash that we’ve
been meaning to speak to the kids about…
Copyright© 2003. All rights reserved.