Jeopardy
So Little On The Boob Tube is Even Worth Trashing These Days...
Editor's Note: We confess. We are addicted. Oh no, not like everyone else. This isn’t about mood altering drugs. However, our addiction is as all consuming as any others out there and actually has the legacy of spanning three generations.
We are addicted to Jeopardy. Yes. The game show, Jeopardy. We don’t care about the contestants, we are not particularly impressed with the wit and witticisms of Alex Trebeck, we hardly even know what the prizes are. All we care about is getting the answers right. Oh, that and the final Jeopardy answer can make or break our day. No matter what is going on at TLL.net offices, everybody here stops and watches Jeopardy. It is a blood thirsty, addictive thing, this Jeopardy and one, in this era of Survivor Iceland and Meet My Brother’s Prison Mates that makes us feel morally and intellectually superior. (Yes, we know that even a dead rodent has the right to feel intellectually superior to most of Americans but that’s hardly the point, is it?).
As there is no 12-step program for those addicted to Jeopardy, we offer the following as TLL.net’s Jeopardy Hall of Shame:
1. One staffer’s mother fell ill while visiting recently. Being that her mother was in her 70’s, this illness necessitated a trip to the local hospital for some tests. While returning from an MRI, both mother and daughter spied a waiting room that was playing Jeopardy on the television set. Consider the poor orderly who was screamed at and ordered to “STOP!!” and wait while they both waited for the final Jeopardy answer.
2. Another staffer, whose child attends a private, Christian school, insists that said child cease and desist homework and all other activities between 7 and 7:30 p.m. This is because his mom, deficient in certain subjects, needs help if there is a religious category. This staffer has been known to call the child during ski trips, slumber parties and other events to find out the questions to such burning religious answers as: “Psalm ending with the words, ‘yeah as I walk through the valley of darkness’…”
3. We all took a vote a while back and voted The Scottish Geisha off Virtual Jeopardy Island so to speak. She isn’t allowed to play Jeopardy with other staffers. She is forbidden, banded, persona-vamoose. This is because the bitch seems to have an endless and deep knowledge about art, ancient and modern history, world geography, culinary arts, opera, classical music and architecture. Worse, she seems to be able to nail, more often than not, four out of five questions for most chemistry, astronomy, biology, sports and art columns. (We hate The Scottish Geisha, did we mention that yet?) The only exception to this is if the very last category in double Jeopardy is something really inane like 70’s television or Popular Movies. That’s when we call The Scottish Geisha to come on down! The risk of course, is that she has this annoying tendency to stick around to the final Jeopardy answer and make fools of us all: “Who are Alexander The Great, Yoko Ono and Fritz The Cat…honestly didn’t you people ever study in college???”
4. Celebrity Jeopardy is cause for celebration at our offices. This is when TLL.net staffers find out how Incredibly Stupid most celebrities are. Biggest surprise: Martha Stewart, with her Bachelor’s degree in history and architectural history from Barnard College, is a blithering idiot. All actors and entertainers have IQs well below room temperature and the only shockers are the occasional professional athlete who actually seems to have completed college and learned something.
5. TLL.net staffers boycott all episodes of Junior Jeopardy because that’s when we find the future CEOs of America, at the ripe old age of 11, are way smarter than we are. Who needs that kind of blow to the ole self esteem anyway? Snotty little bastards.
6. Everyone at TLL.net admits privately (under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol) that they got their butts whooped by the blind guy a few years back. Come to think of it, none of fared very well against the carpenter (maybe it was a plumber) from Brooklyn either.
7. None of would ever have the guts to actually try and get on the show. We don’t want to find out just how poorly we would do under the Glare of The Lights. And we sure don’t want to get our butts kicked by some retired housewife from Duluth. Having the Scottish Geisha traipse through TLL.net offices with, “What is the color puce, three pounds of duck butter and San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown.” is obviously bad enough
God help us, but she gets it right every single time.
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