Review: LOTR


Why The Lord of the Rings Rules Them All:

When life sucks, people go to the movies. When the economy tanks and people can’t buy that new Beamer, they take their ten bucks and go and get lost in a fantasy world where there is no jerk of a boss, impossible deadlines or bitchy spouses. Or at least not ones they personally have to deal with.

This is why LOTR movies are so great. The jerk is a guy who everybody is openly allowed to hate, unlike the SOB you work for. Even better, he is forced to live in the worst, not best part of town, Mordor. Think of the poor real estate agents in Mordor. You think your rentals are losing value? Try hocking Mordor rental property to some snooty elves.

Consider the impossible deadline. OK, so you have to get that worldwide ad plan done by tomorrow. At least Orcs (well, we don’t know your boss so we could be wrong there) aren’t chasing you. Poor Frodo. Talk about having The Job From Hell. He’s got to throw some Evil Ring into the fires of Mount Doom before a hoard of murdering Orcs, weak-hearted men and assorted other vile creatures — all hot on his hairy little heels, find him. All he’s got left to aid him in this Quest by the end of the first movie, is his faithful friend Samwise (none too bright). His plight gets even worse in the second movie when he is joined by the ever obsessive-compulsive, split personality, really should be on heavy medication, Gollum. That creature’s loyalty is about as reliable as every bitch head cheerleader’s from every high school in America is. But don’t worry, the bitch head cheerleader will peak at 18, get knocked up really young and never finish even a semester of junior college. She will get fat, more stupid by the day and by her tenth high school reunion, unrecognizable by every one. Oh, and Gollum will get his too. In the movies, the treacherous ones always do. So, there is hope for your Bastard Boss as well.

Another happy aspect to the LOTR movies? So far, no bitchy spouses. Elvish chicks have so much confidence and eons worth of Self Esteem that they allow their boyfriends to go off on Manly Quests. With a bunch of other guys, no less. I don’t know about you but how many guys can just pick up and go, with 8 other guys, on a Quest, even if it is to a local sporting event? No female with an IQ above room temperature is going to fall for that one. Oh, and you can bet Elvish chicks do not spend their days watching Oprah and whining about how ‘bad they have been feeling about themselves’. Note that Elvish chicks are not overweight either. Are we sensing a connection here?

Oh and speaking of women, we are told by all the women on staff here at TheLastLaugh.net that all the guys in the movies are unbearably hot, hot, hot. Just pick and choose. If Viggo’s character Lord Aragorn annoys you one PMS-y day, then lust for an elf. There are plenty to choose from (though there is a serious argument going on right now about whether Haldir’s character represents the Premiere Gay Elf of Middle Earth). If so, he was the most lethal gay elf around (you GO Girlfriend!) And the daughters of some of the staff assure us that even the Hobbits are cute in a sort of androgynous kind of way. No, we didn’t dare ask the Scottish Geisha about that one.

We originally thought that the LOTR movies were guy flicks but women have pointed out (as they are wont to do around here at an increasing rate, LOTR movies are really chick flicks in disguise.

Upon reflection, they may have a point. Consider the following: What happens when a female character gets pissed off in a LOTR movie?

She gets a sword. Even better, she gets to use it. On the nasty male creatures that pissed her off.

God, but these are great movies for women. We are betting that there is no per i-menopause in Middle Earth. Hormones acting all out of whack? Just pick up a sword and go hack away at something Evil. It’s encouraged, actually.

And, as much as we detest actors and the entertainment industry in general (which so encourages Fatty Arbuckle-esque, O.J. Simpson Get Away With Murder behavior), the actors did do a fine job. Despite the fact that Sean Bean has probably been married too many times and Viggo Mortensen not near enough, they handled their roles with Manly Relish. We believe them, running around with swords, killing nasty things, Fighting For Good. It works, the costumes, the special effects, the voices (Andy Serkis should have gotten an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, did we mention that yet?), the music…. It all so works in this suck-ass, we so don’t want to be here in our current lives, economy.

Oh, and regarding all those inferences to current war mongering? And for once, we are siding with an actor on this issue (don’t worry, it shouldn’t happen again). Viggo Mortensen has spent considerable airtime disclaiming any connections of the movies with the current political war climate.

Is there a nice way to put the following? No, we don’t think so. War is evil. War in Middle Earth, on the other hand, is Necessary Evil. Ten thousand Orcs come knocking on YOUR Helm’s Deep Gate and you have to go to war. You just don’t have the option of slotting them in your Palm Pilot for a week from Tuesday after your therapy appointment. You so don’t have time to effort Really Botched PR like President Bush on Why War Is Good. We have yet to see ten thousand Iraqi’s banging on the doors of our shores (though Saddam’s sons really DO resemble Orcs, come to think of it). It’s been said before, kill one, not thousands. Once you take out Saddam (or Sauron for that matter), war may truly no longer be necessary. Aside from the very crucial need to take out both Sauron and Saddam, there are no other similarities. The costumes were designed way before 911. The actors, dark skinned and vaguely Middle Eastern, were picked on the basis of Tolkien’s descriptions of Southerners and had nothing to do with typical portraying the bad guys with Middle Eastern facial features. There were no fat elves either come to think of it and you don’t hear the Lane Bryant set or zaftig, out spoken Kelly Osborne (who we are quite sure would voice her opinion on the subject should she have one) pitching a fit. For you one-dimensional Gen X types, allow us to translate: If the Osbornes aren’t pitching a bloody fit, then neither should you. Get over it already.

But we digress.

And for those of you who cannot get enough? Not only did New Line Cinema, in a moment of pure marketing genius, put out the movies in VHS and DVD but then they turned around a few months later and gave the people with NO LIVES, a longer version of the same movie! More discussions, endless babble on the fanatical fan sites, more…oh yeah, money.

And yes, we like the extended version better. As writers ourselves we look for moments of pure artistry, pivotal scenes that say a lot in little time or words. We do this because we lack the skill and talent to create those moments ourselves, of course. And the extended version of the movie has it. Just think about the moment when Frodo and his companions leave Rivendell and as Ring Bearer. Consider this tiny, simple Hobbit From the Shire (read very short, clueless country gentlehobbit) who must turn to the Wizard Gandalf to ask which way to Mordor. (For those of you who refuse to ask for directions — and that would be most every other male creature on this earth or any other — it’s a sharp left turn from Rivendell and straight into the hell that is Mordor). You can’t miss it. Travel tip: no stopping for photo opts in the Dead Marshes. The locals take issue with it apparently.



Review: TTT

Some Obsessions Are Less Harmful Than Others....My Precious


Review of ROTK is here!

The Journey Continues, Thank God

The Two Towers: A Year in Perspective, Middle Earth Style

Though it took plucky hobbits Fordo and Samwise just 13 months to complete their epic journey, it seems like no time at all has passed for Tolkien fans eagerly awaiting a full year for Jackson's second installment of the trilogy, The Two Towers. With nary a nod to the first movie, Jackson drop kicks viewers straight back to Middle Earth and into the thick of the epic journey. When we last left our intrepid nine two were dead (sort of), two on their way to Mordor, two hobbit-napped by some of the nastiest creatures ever penned in literature (Orcs) and three in hot pursuit. Not wanting to waste a second of screen time, Jackson picks right up where he left off: Frodo and Sam picking their way through bogs and marshes (littered with dead faces in the water, throat choking ash and noxious fumes) en route to Mordor; Boromir dead; Gandalf MIA, Pippin and Merry off having a rollicking rotten time piggybacking on fleeing Orcs and hotties Legolas and Aragorn tracking their friends with a heaving and puffing dwarf Gimli keeping up as best as a dwarf can.

Being that the story line has now formally splintered into three distinct sub-plots, viewers cannot help but feel a bit fractured by the back and forth, here and there, of the Middle Earth that they are treated to this time around. Though Jackson handles the splintering of the plot with smooth cinematic cut-a-ways and fade backs, the audience must still keep in mind that this newly crowned master of film story telling is still up against horrendous odds, story wise. The Two Towers is the middle child of Tolkien's greatest Middle Earth tale which means that occasionally, the strain of trying to carry forth with his signature: gripping the edge of your seat with the Ringwraiths in hot pursuit feeling is going to tell.

Still, Jackson, aided by what has to be the world's best special effects studio, WETA, and a cast of thousands, rises to the job admirably. He deafly introduces new characters, adding depth and intrigue to each plot. Most notable are Andy Serkis portrayal of Gollum, a character thoroughly detestable in the book but somehow, brought to life by the voice and motion captured movements of the actor. Watchers will cringe with a mixture of pity and revulsion. Yet in spite or because of this, the computer-generated character is the best creation of its kind ever. Make no mistake, without a stellar performance by Gollum, the movie would have fallen into a kind of parody/joke, a campy echo of what the epic should have been. The thoroughly schizophrenic performance of Serkis is more than interesting, it is positively riveting. Also central to the Two Towers is new commer Bernard Hill whose portrayal of a devastated yet quietly regal King Theoden puts him on par with the best thespians portraying King Lear and Hamlet.

Aptly aided by the nearly translucent Miranda Otto, as Theoden's shield-wielding niece Eowyn, the movie finally has a human female for viewers to identify with. Though Tolkien himself systematically relegated women to minor roles of mystic and pedestal stature, Otto manages to bring a vulnerability and strength to her role. The brief sword playing scene with Aragorn is but a hint of things to come. Watch out for Otto in the third movie, where her pivotal moment on the Battle of the Pelennor Fields is sure to raise the audience right out of their seats. Helm's off to Otto's loyal but tortured brother Eomer, played by the husky and hunky Karl Urban. Small part, big impact. The same can be said for the handsome Faramir, acted with nobility by David Wenham. Hints of trouble to come from this younger sibling of the heroic Boromir.

The final nod for newcomers goes to the creepy Grima Wormtongue, played with physical depth and near satanic thoughtfulness by actor Brad Dourif. His demeanor causes even the bravest of Rohan warriors to shutter with gasps of recognition from the audience were clearly audible. Yes, Jackson found Tolkien's Wormtongue. Yet the character's finest moment comes not from his lustful stalking of the pure Eowyn, obsessed as he clearly is with her marble cool beauty. The character comes utterly into his own while in exile when standing side by side with the Evil Saruman from the heights of Isengard. Seeing for the first time the thousands of Orcs assembled for the sole purpose of genocide: wiping out his race, does the character finally realize what his evil power mongering has wrought: a single tear runs down his pale cheek and the horror on his face is so all-consuming as to be palatable. A finer performance you won't find.
A review of The Two Towers wouldn't be complete without paying homage to Jackson's inscrutable eye for detail. The costumes, mostly amour, are perfect, down to the finely crafted ringed and meshed helms and buttons shaped liked horses on the garb of Rohan warriors. Not a gauntlet is out of place and even the horses (some of the most beautiful ever seen on screen for equestrian lovers) are arrayed in finery. Jackson must have had every stunt rider in the business on the payroll for the Riders of Rohan scenes. Look carefully at the riding scenes with Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn; both Legolas (global heart throb Orlando Bloom) and Aragorn (the subtly sexy yet thoroughly devastating Viggo Mortensen) do all their own riding and stunts. Well, mostly. Watch Legolas as they ride to battle and try and figure out how Bloom got up on that galloping horse in the mist of a stampede of warriors. Loop de loop. And Shadowfax? Just the most beautiful horse on Earth, Middle or otherwise. That animal, galloping in the wind toward Gandalf, brought tears to the eyes of Tolkien fans. Shadowfax lives. He really and truly does.
Not to be outdone, Jackson's lavish cinema photography pays righteous homage to his native New Zealand. Can any place really be that untouched and beautiful? Jackson makes the world believe that Middle Earth really does exist and the splendor and scope of his landscape and vista shots are better, yes better, than viewers were treated to in The Fellowship of the Ring. If this movie doesn't make you book your next vacation to the land of the Kiwis, then nothing will. Rohan may have been disassembled by the time you get there but the Golden Hall was no sleight of high tech computer hand; it was built from the ground up and worth every thatched cottage so carefully conceived and constructed.
So, after gasping over the details of perfection of Jackson's vision of Middle Earth, we get to the heart of the matter, how are our heroes faring? Well, this is surely where die hard Tolkien fans and Jackson will part company because this part of the epic, Jackson's script diverts from Tolkien’s vision more than once. Was it really necessary to have Frodo come face to face with a Ringwraith on a flying (too dragon like and therefore downright cheesy) Nazgul? Pippin and Merry were under utilized as well; their roles with the tree ents were extraneous at best. We hope to see more of the plucky duo in the third installment. But while we are on the subject Fangorn forest, kudos again to the WETA team, the walking talking forest herders were no match for the technical perfection of Gollum but still admirable in their own, leafy, branchy way. The Oliphants were pretty darn cool too. George Lucas might be borrowing those images for a future installment of Star Wars, come to think of it.
Some fans might be a bit disappointed by the mid-trilogy performances turned out by Wood and Astin (Frodo and Sam respectively) but let's face it, how easy it is to show the mental and physical dismantling of a cherubic, smooth skinned 20 year old boy into a crazed, empty eyed, ring-obsessive-compulsive psychotic Gollum wannabe? Woods does his best, showing more mental signs of wear and tear than physical and Astin gets more screen time as the, 'nasty fat hobbit' as a hissing Gollum puts it. In another corner of Middle Earth, Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn are now old campaigners, friends who have spent one too many days on the road and who know each other's foibles and nature very well. Watch for the subtle expressions of annoyance and humor from Viggo Mortensen when Gimli goes off being...well, Gimli. Acted with relish by the once reluctant John Rhys-Davies (the actor never wanted to play the role) most of the film's comic relief is provided by Rhys-Davies though his funnier moments come in the more subtle moments when he isn't trying so hard. Bloom remains the hottie that made every teenage girl the world over believe in inter-species dating, and he gets a few more lines to beef up his character. Over three hours, Mortensen transforms from sulky, reclusive ranger to full-blown King in the making with the movie's climax his --- and Jackson's finest scene.
The Battle of Helm's Deep: Tolkien fans may well argue it to be the single most pivotal chapter in the trilogy, where the tides of fortune and war turn. It is also, in the history of movies, the single most breathtaking, heart stopping, epic battle ever brought to the big screen. Nothing else comes close. You have to see it to believe it. And while Gandalf remains mostly unseen throughout this installment, rather like the book, watch for, wait for, pray for, the to the (inevitable) rescue charge led by a shimmering White Gandalf on horseback. The scene will take a part of your soul to Middle Earth and leave it there, right on the blood soaked embattled fields at the tumbled and now broken skirts of Helm's Deep. Face it, this Middle Earth battle of Good Against Evil isn't for the faint of heart (or small kids). The battle makes you want to pick up your sword, brandish your shield and fight for what is, as Sam said, 'Good about this world'. And after all, isn't that really what Tolkien and Jackson were trying to achieve?

Never (Bored) Of The Ring

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