Introducing: Never Bored Of The Ring
Some Obsessions Are Less Harmful Than Others....My Precious
2. Insipid yearnings of neurotic, self absorbed women who think they have a chance to sleep with the cast members. (Example: “Woo, woo, Viggo is SO CUTE. I am cute too!!!” News flash: He doesn’t look that good off screen though as an actor it IS his job to maintain an impossibly high level of attractiveness. Please keep in mind that entertainers are the reason plastic surgeons all aspire to live in Beverley Hills.
3. Minute, detailed to the point of nausea, news about all the LOTR actors’ doings. It isn’t our business to keep track of grown men and women (we have enough trouble when it is our turn to order bagels for casual Fridays here at the offices of TheLastLaugh.net.) Besides, we are pretty certain that you can sum up most of what the actors are up to thusly:
All the actors from the movie are currently pretty busy getting laid on a regular basis right now. We know this for a fact. Just check out the relaxed, smug looks on their collective faces when they get interviewed these days.
4. Nobody on staff here will ever write something using a cutie Hobbit or Elvin byline. Please. This is beyond tacky and smacks of Trekies who have lost their way en route to Planet Klingon. Plus, we don’t want Viggo Mortensen to have to go on Saturday Night Live in 20 years and, like William Shatner, implore Ringers to get a life. We will perform this service for you Viggo, now go off and paint something nice, please.
5. No, we don’t know where Orlando Bloom lives. Stop sending us
emails asking. Pathetic. Go off and buy yourself some reliable, battery
run, hand held devices and fantasize if you must but stop whining about
Orlando. The only thing we can tell you is that we are pretty sure he’s
not a natural blond.
6. We don’t know which actors are married and which aren’t. Frankly, we don’t care either. Actors get married and divorced about as often as The Scottish Geisha changes nail polish. Who can keep up.
7. Wild-ass rumors and spy reports. Unless they are ones we make up ourselves, of course.
8. Painstaking dissection of the dialog and sub-plots of the movies. If you are a Tolkien scholar, you probably aren’t on our site for very long because you don’t get us. Besides, when we asked The Scottish Geisha, the only person who remotely passes for a Tolkien scholar and she was a total bitch about it.
So, now that you know what we WON’T be doing on this site, here is a sampling of what we will be offering:
LOTR and TTT horoscopes Link, based on the characters, not the actors. The actors all have enough money to consult with Miss Cleo if they want.
Reviews and opinions Link of the movies, the fantastic special effects Link, the upcoming Return of the King.
Commentaries of awards Link, events, etc. Check out the argument for Andy Serkis to get an Academy Award. And for all you women out there, we present the argument that inside every man is an Uruk-Hai just dying to get out in: The Middle Earth Chick’s Guide to Dating Link.
Also, one of our most compelling, laughter provoking articles: The Tolkien Traveler’s Guide to Middle Earth Link including Why Mordor Would Make a Great Travel Destination.
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