Tolkien Traveler’s Guide to Middle Earth:

Planning a Getaway? Forget Fuji; Consider Mordor For Your Next Vacation Stop.....

Editors Note: New Zealand, we hear, is experiencing a brisk upturn in its travel industry. Travel agents and hotels throughout kiwi land have Peter Jackson and the entire LOTR team to thank for this. Granted, the landscape is lovely and relatively unspoiled when compared to, say, downtown Detroit, but keep in mind that WETA did do some pretty fancy digital dancing with those film negs.

Translation: You are not going to find Middle Earth in the middle of Wellington.

Let’s put it another way: Hobbiton, Edoras and pretty much the rest of Middle Earth is kind of, sort of, really not to be found in New Zealand. You may well find cinematic traces of it in the parks, forests, and towns where scenes were filmed but a fully intact Middle Earth? Only in pages of Tolkien’s literary masterpiece will you find it.

So, with this in mind, we have created for the Official TheLastLaugh.net’s travel guide to Middle Earth.

The Tolkien Traveler’s Guide to Middle Earth:

Location: The Shire

Fast Facts: Quaint and countrified, travelers seeking a rustic, down to earth holiday experience will enjoy this tidy little corner of Middle Earth. The Shire. Despite its reputation for distrusting “Outlanders”, The Shire has something to offer for everyone. Love food? Nobody dishes hearty meals like the local pubs and restaurants in Hobbiton and Bree proper. Prefer an outdoor experience? Try a hike into The Old Forest or a bracing romp by the shores of the Brandywine river. History buffs will appreciate the natives’ knowledge, dating back ages, of local doings. Finally, environmentalists will flock to the four corners of Shire to see how locals do it all naturally.

Health: You are more in danger of bumping your head after falling off a pub table during an extended night of drinking at a local tavern than anything else in The Shire. Safe at all hours, The Shire remains, according to locals, relatively untouched by Outside Influences. Be sure and bring hangover remedies with you.

Transportation: Forget speed, you are here to relax! Most locals prefer a nice leisurely tramp on foot but quaint horses and carts are available for hire by many local establishments. Don’t forget the camera for that fun and novel photo op!

Attractions: Start in Hobbiton proper and then make your way up and over to Buckland where all the locals may well seem to be (to Outlanders at least) vaguely related to each other. If they take a liking to you, you might be able to talk one of them into an impromptu tour of Brandybuck Hall, grand residence of the most prosperous and important local families, the Brandybucks. The Brandywine Bridge is an unspoiled site to behold and many an environmentalist has camped nearby for a night of solitude. The Old Forest sports some of the oldest trees in Middle Earth and are breathtaking to behold. Mind your manners, however, as the forest is strictly protected by local laws, regulations and reportedly guarded by out-of-sight shepherds who are reputed to have a very adverse reaction to visitors who don’t abide by local customs and rules.

Recreation: Hiking, camping and traipsing about the countryside are popular outdoor pastimes.

Shopping: Check out the farmers market in Hobbiton proper. Lots of local goods to be had though be prepared to while away some hours dickering over prices. Tobacco and ale are said to be good bargains.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Locals love a good drink and The Green Dragon (in Hobbiton) and Bree (The Prancing Pony) are local night spots not to be missed. The ale is especially well regarded so be sure and have yourself a pint. Or two, or three.

Events: Despite its sleepy, tranquil outer appearance, something exciting can always be found to do in The Shire. Check with locals for a listing of up to the minute events. Locals tend to be very hospitable and if you show up during a local party, for instance, you are likely to get invited to the soirée without too much wrangling.

Climate: Warm and temperate for the most part. Long summers and generous growing seasons are tempered with short winters and light rainfall. Pack a cloak for chilly nights and camping excursions.
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Location: Rivendell

Fast Facts: Often thought to be the Ancient Aspen of Middle Earth, Rivendell is at once, old and mystic, modern and on the move. Rivendell, at its core, is a history buff’s dream. Wander through the dreamlike old forest and marvel at the breathtaking architecture and crafted artistry of local buildings. Even cemeteries, statues and shrines are said to reveal much of the rich culture and history. Visitors from all over Middle Earth seem to flock to this land, which, despite its serene and soothing beauty, is really an under (Middle) ground hot bed of political activity and action. Movers and shakers of Middle Earth are often spotted so be sure and bring your autograph book if you are celebrity hunting!

Health: Excellent. Locals seem to live forever so maybe it is something in the water. Or wine.

Transportation: Only reachable by foot or steed, the trek into Rivendell is well worth the effort.

Attractions: Soak up the history, ancient culture and sheer mystique of this locale by wandering through memorials and checking out local tombstones that the gateways to Ages Gone By. Try and sit in on a local council meeting where you will find, more often than not, fascinating debates taking place, often fairly major in scope. The Movers and Shakers of Middle Earth can often be spotted among the locals so be sure and bring your autograph book if you are celebrity hunting or find yourself star stuck! Even if you are just passing through on your way to other parts of Middle Earth, Rivendell, for the up and coming, is the place to see and be seen.

Recreation: Wander through the ancient yet still beautiful walkways that seem to meld into the very landscape of nature itself. Rest and recuperate if you must, but use this respite to spend some time with old friends and family. This is the place to contemplate, consult and convene.

Shopping: Fabrics and textiles are first rate. Local metallurgists and sword smiths are said to be among the most skilled in Middle Earth. Cost could be high but the workmanship is well worth the price. Be sure and insist that any hand made weaponry you purchase comes complete with Official Elvish Runes as one-offs and fakes are illegal and won’t pass muster with Gondor customs officials. Those are often made by local Orcs in a bootleg factory located on the outskirts of Mordor. Trying to sneak them out of Middle Earth comes with a heavy fine if you are caught.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Varies according to what is shaking locally. Check with locals upon your arrival. Feasting is said to be top notch and on-going, however.

Events: Again, depends on what is going on when you arrive.

Climate: Breezy and sunny after the morning mists burn off. You can go without gauntlets and cloaks in this temperate climate where moderate temperatures dominate and time itself seems to stand still in this mystical land.

Location: The Mines of Moria

Fast Facts: Darkly mysterious and beckoning, amateur archeologists, would-be geologists and roving rock-climbing buffs alike fairly flock to this underground treasure trove and diamond in the rough; considered ideal for extreme vacationers and thrill seekers. The mines are a protected landmark so no lifting even tiny souvenirs no matter how tempted you might be. The locals would take issue with it. Be sure to hire an experienced guide, somebody who knows the paths well. Prior to trekking through the mines, it would also do to check on your life insurance policies though locals have been known to Phoo-Phoo this cautionary measure.

Health: Dicey at best. Pack plenty of provisions as the hike through Moria takes four days and has been called as treacherous as it is exhilarating. Stay away, at all costs, from the waters at the entrance of the mines. Pack extra lighting.

Transportation: Moria is a hikers’ and rock climbers’ dream vacation. Wear sturdy footwear however as the paths can be tricky and the bridges and stairs, while spanning meters and meters and looming over heart stopping chasms, are not considered among the safest in Middle Earth.

Attractions: Mines, mines, mines. The architecture in the abandoned city of Dwarrowdelf is not to be missed at any cost. Views down vast corridors (stay on the path!) will give you glances of a world gone by and stand as an everlasting testimony to the compelling mining skills of the world class craftsmen that once resided here. No mining allowed, however, so treasure seekers beware.

Recreation: What else? Rock climbing.

Shopping: Not much in terms of bargains but gems and precious metals are said to be had if you know where to ask.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Locals, while usually hard to spot, might give you a merry romp if they are of a mind. However, veteran Moria goers stress that it is best to enjoy the silence and amazing sites in solitude.

Events: Hopefully none. Stick to he path and listen to your guide.

Climate: Quite chilly except down near the lower gates where things can heat up suddenly and without warning. That being said, it is still prudent to pack warmly.

Location: Lothlorien

Fast Facts: Spectacular Lothlorien is a must see on your Middle Earth travel agenda. Locals reside in giant trees, just like in Borneo, and have surrounded themselves with architecture and dwelling designs said to rival any in Middle Earth. The location is often regarded as a nearly closed community so gaining permission to visit is often a matter of lengthy negotiations with locals that even the most patient may find tedious and draining. However, visitors will tell you the resulting visit can be well worth the up front effort.

Health: Strangely, like Rivendell, locals seem to thrive and live long years. Borders are well protected so, once you arrive, safety shouldn’t be an issue. Beware bringing contraband into Lothlorien however; it is severely frowned upon by locals.

Transportation: Like most treasured vacation spots in Middle Earth, you are going to have to hike your way into this jewel. Try and time your arrive to coincide with sunset if you can, it is a site not to be missed.

Attractions: Once you arrive in this land of treetop dwellers there is much to see and do. The very air seems to glow with unspoken promise and days tingle with magic of a time gone by. Enjoy the soft, melodic chanting of local crooners and try and spy a peek into the famed Mirror of Galadriel, a locally famous landmark if there is time.

Recreation: Hiking and tree climbing are chief activities though the locals also excel in archery. There is some excellent boating opportunities to be had but local river currents can be swift so be sure and ask locals for tips on how to navigate.

Shopping: Not much if you insist on bargain hunting but residents are said to be generous with gifts and the craftsmanship for all things from Lothlorien is considered superior. Antiques such as weapons are said to be occasionally available.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Some excellent feasting to be had though mind the local nectars, they are said to be strong elixirs and likely to set tongues wagging.

Events: Like Rivendell, a lot is going on behind the scenes. Try and finagle your way into a local meeting and watch, awed, at the majesty and wisdom wielded by the leaders of this land. Beware, however, as Lothlorien is a powerful political force within Middle Earth and you may well find out more than you bargained for. Be sure and brush up on the local dialect and current events as residents appreciate visitors who are schooled and can converse about events in their native language.

Climate: Lothlorien is blessed with a temperate climate. The weather is mild enough for a light cloak for most nights.

Location: Rohan

Fast Facts: Brisk, bold landscape highlighted by seemingly endless fields of gold and imbued with a Celtic, almost medieval atmosphere, make this an ideal pilgrimage for equestrians lovers. Locals live simply, with surviving townships remaining quaint and rustic. Gallop wildly through the thigh high grasses of Rohan, feel the wind in your hair and a wild song stirring in your heart. Take the climb up to the local ruler’s wind swept castle, the Golden Hall of Meduseld, in the main city of Edoras. And though gaining an audience with the rather preoccupied local royalty might be tricky, chance photo ops should prove interesting.

Health: Can be risky as border skirmishes with neighboring lands are not uncommon. Local militia has become fairly adept at keeping the skirmishes away from vacationers but mind local regulations by steering clear of local forests, they are said to be teeming with nearby feuders with an ax to grind.

Transportation: What else? Horseback is the preferred method.

Attractions: The equestrian sports are unmatched anywhere else in Middle Earth so even if you are a novice with horses, be sure and take a ride on one of the local steeds, there are none finer. Even more heartening locals maintain a vast and deep knowledge of horses that they are always happy to share. If military history is your thing, try and talk your way into one of the daily patrols on horseback though realize that this exciting sightseeing day trip carries with it a measure of risk from the standpoint of personal safety.

Recreation: Horseback riding, naturally.

Shopping: The local economy doesn’t lend itself toward much souvenir hunting but horseback riding gear and tack abound. Armour is among some of the most beautiful and grand in all of Middle Earth and, sadly, because of the recent rise in border disputes, you might be able to pick up some second and at bargain prices.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Sleepy Rohan tends to shut down early most nights though you might risk a local tavern. Single women should definitely check out the local hunks when they get off duty after a hard day riding border parole.

Events: Local happenings tend to be overwhelmingly dominated by current political events so if you are lucky, you might get to witness some of the local royalty in action. Royal groupies should take heed, however, as the current Ruling House is not as easy to access as it used to be. You might consider touring the local royal cemetery which is, though a sad place for Rohan citizenry it still sports a wild, untrammeled beauty all its own.

Climate: Windy most seasons. In addition, local royal dwellings, while grand, have been known to be drafty. Pack warmly and bring your best riding boots.

Location: Fangorn Forest

Fast Facts: Another hot spot for environmentalists, this locale boasts Middle Earth’s nature at its most untouched. Most of the trees are centuries old and offer an unearthly, ethereal beauty to campers and hikers alike. Even if you are just passing through —that’s a good strategy by the way — be sure and pay homage to the local forestry. The photo ops are endless though be sure and ask permission.

Health: Do not interfere in any way with the local foliage and you should be fine.

Transportation: Footpaths are your best bet as the undergrowth is a bit too rough for most all terrain vehicles.

Attractions: Aside from the trees, there isn’t much else going on.

Recreation: Hiking, tree watching, light camping. Bring your own fuel as the repercussions for axing even dead trees can be quite severe.

Shopping: Not really.

Nightlife and Entertainment: It’s a forest so entertainment is fairly limited to enjoying the great outdoors.

Events: Check with the locals; occasionally Middle Earth celebrities pass through the area and can be spotted if you are star struck enough to keep a close eye out.

Climate: Not extreme but it can get chilly at night. Best to dress in layers.

Location: Isengard

Fast Facts: Bold and imposing, the landmark, black tower of Isengard looms starkly against the skyline a testimony to Middle Earth engineering ingenuity at its most compelling. It is one of the premiere architectural wonders of Middle Earth and worth a day trip.

Health: Known to be questionable; avoid the locals as they tend to be unfriendly.

Transportation: By foot or steed, the approach to Isengard is equally stunning no matter how you chose to arrive.

Attractions: The tower of Isengard itself is worth the entire visit. Stroll the grounds and take photos (telephoto lenses are best) of the tower itself. You might try and negotiate a tour of some of the upper chambers broiling with activity beneath the tower. This is reportedly where various industries and manufacturing, including metalwork, are said to be in the mist of explosive growth; a virtual hotbed of activity. However, there are no official tours listed so you may be forced to work your charms on locals. Bribes are reputed to be effective at times but still best to maintain a low profile. Good luck.

Recreation: Isengard is a virtual beehive of activity. Night jogs thought the nearby forests are reputed to be popular.

Shopping: Nothing official but again, you might try your luck with the locals, they are said to be amenable to a under the table trade or two.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Known to get positively wild at times as local enforcement is said to be spotty and reputed to be less than sterling. Watch your Ps and Qs when mixing it up with the locals.

Events: Isengard has come under political fire recently for massive deforestation activities. Therefore, naturalists and environmentalists may want to join some of the rowdy protest marches that are becoming rather commonplace. Check with the local forestry officials, they tend be good sources for what updates on current events.

Climate: Known to be wet; pack an umbrella and rubber galoshes.

Location: Helm’s Deep

Fast Facts: A breath taking battlement site tucked sternly into the far corners of Rohan; just perfect for military history buffs. The stonework at this timeless fortress is worldclass and the action non-stop. You need to be ready for any and everything when you visit Helm’s Deep.

Health: Alas that recent political troubles have caused Gondor to issue a Middle Earth-wide travel advisory to all vacationers regarding Helm’s Deep. News reports and political analysts predict war could occur at any time so risk a visit at your own peril.

Transportation: By foot or on horseback.

Attractions: Stroll along the parapets and admire the reinforced stonework. If you have time, be sure and sneak in a few hours respite by touring the caves, they are wondrous to behold. Hope for a lull in the action so you can find a few moments to rub elbows with locals. Contrary to popular notion, more than just Rohan residents like to holiday at Helm’s Deep. Given the boiling political climate, you are likely to see some history altering alliances take place as well as the comings and goings of various Middle Earth royalty. It is, literally, Middle Earth history in the making at Helm’s Deep every day of the week.

Recreation: Anyone with a passion for swordplay will find plenty of takers at Helm’s Deep. Archery is big here as well. You should have no trouble finding numerous opportunities for target practice.

Shopping: With so much going on, you won’t even have time to miss bargain hunting.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Most all the action takes place at night so definitely plan on staying up until dawn.

Events: With war on the horizon, you could risk finding yourself in the mist of an actual battle scene. Check with locals if you like but keep in mind there are no allowances for diplomatic dispensation at Helm’s Deep so if trouble arises, you are pretty much stuck behind the battlements.

Climate: Similar to Rohan but there is an annoying tendency for it to rain at the most inopportune moments. Therefore, you could be in for some bad hair days. Pack plenty of mousse and waterproof hair gel.

Location: Gondor

Fast Facts: No trip to Middle Earth would be complete without a visit to that high seat of government, the land of Gondor. The White City, as it is often called, is the heartbeat of Gondor; grand and imposing, both modern and ancient. Pass through the world famous seven gates and marvel at the comings and goings of locals which tend to be driven by some inner sense of urgency and nobility. If you ask nicely, local magistrates may allow you photo ops of guards who all wear armour that bear the likeness of the famed White Tree.

Health: No official inoculations are listed but visiting Mordor is frankly frowned upon in other parts of Middle Earth. Good travel advice: keep your itinerary to yourself. Feeling out of sorts? Make your way to the local House of Healing where holistic medicine is practiced and local herbs are said to have amazing restorative powers.

Transportation: Anyway you choose to arrive, be sure and do so very openly. The military-like patrols do not react well to stealth so journey openly and always carry the appropriate documentation.

Attractions: The White City itself is a photographer lover’s dream so plan on spending at least a day in the city proper. There is a historical library that you would do well to meander through as some of the documents date back Ages. Historians have complained at the lack of proper organization but there are some real gems to be found among the babblings of past rulers. There is a street of the dead, fully dedicated to the works of those in the funeral industry which locals find positively creepy but still worth a peek if you aren’t bothered by the macabre or mildly morbid.

Recreation: Similar to Rohan, locals tend to favor equestrian sports and swordplay so both can be found in abundance.

Shopping: Nothing significant.

Nightlife and Entertainment: The action in Gondor is non-stop. Though well organized and efficiently run, events don’t always run on schedule. Check with residents for the latest and greatest and there is generally something to keep you from turning in early. If nothing else, you won’t be bored.

Events: As the site of Middle Earth’s ruling government, Official Events of Major Importance are held often and with much pomp and circumstance. Check with the locals as royal weddings, coronations, award ceremonies including recognizing Heroic Deeds and the like are not uncommon.

Climate: The skies can darken with seemingly no notice so pack accordingly.

Location: Mordor

Fast Facts: For Ages, Mordor has been functioning as an all but closed community. However, this primitive region has made a concerted effort recently to attract visitors by opening its gates to many a curious and bold traveler. Middle Earth residents from the South in particular seem to flock to this site. This sudden change doesn’t necessarily mean that the locals are any more forthcoming or friendly however.

Health: Bring your own first aid kit and remedies, as medical facilities are thought to be sparse and rudimentary at best.

Transportation: By foot, through the Black Gate. The march is said to be an experience in itself.

Attractions: Well, the price is certainly right. Another plus: You will have absolutely no problems getting a reservation. Truly. Locals are ready to take your call as we speak (1-888-MORDORSUCKS). And bargains? You won’t find a cheaper spot to hang your hat in all of Middle Earth. In fact, play your cards right and they may well pay YOU to come and visit. The Black Tower is an interesting site by all reports and you might try and get a gander at Mount Doom; the only active volcano to be found Middle Earth. Don’t get to close, however, as it is likely to erupt at the most inopportune of times.

Recreation: Residents are said to be totally devoted to competitive sword fighting and some of the more vigorous forms of the marshal arts.

Shopping: No.

Nightlife and Entertainment: Mordor literally is in its element come nightfall so be flexible and prepare to go along with anything that comes along.

Events: The recent influx of non-stop visitors to Mordor means that local activity is definitely on the upswing. Check with what passes for the local activities directors upon your arrival, they are sure to point you to some pursuit sure to keep you busy.

Climate: For those of you looking to soak up some rays, Mordor is the tanning Mecca of Middle Earth. Just be sure and pack plenty of sunscreen.

Never (Bored) Of The Ring