Queer Eye Middle Earth Make-Overs
Some Obsessions Are Less Harmful Than Others....My Precious
Aragorn, Son of Arathorn:
Kyan Douglas (grooming guru): Girlfriend, as fetching as this boy is, we have to start with the hair, the hair is a must. We need this hunk to put down that sword and pick up some hair care products! Oh, and we need to trim those messy locks and show off those amazingly sultry eyes and cheekbones!
Caron Kressley (wardrobe expert): And let’s talk about that getup, shall we? The he-man needs to show off those well-muscled thighs…all that horse back riding shouldn’t be for naught you know.
Ted Allen (food expert): He could do better than venison for a menu, especially when having friends over, even if it is just a casual barbeque! Honestly, the man is royalty for pity’s sake; he can do better than that, even in The Wild!
Jai Rodriguez (culture expert): And I don’t mean to nit pick but honestly, the man needs to wash his hands more often. Though I must say, his knowledge of local lore is quite impressive. Should make for good bar conversation.
Douglas: True, true, but have you EVER seen a man more in need of a manicure, now I ask you?
Boromir, Son of Denethor:
Douglas: Another follicle challenged warrior I fear. Some glossy highlights, in pale ash I think and oh, some serious cutting. We need to get those locks out of his gorgeous baby blues!
Kressley: His typical outfit has some regalness to it but I think he needs to show off those arms and pecs…the boots and gauntlets have a certain ‘spank me I’ve been a naughty warrior’ charm, however, not appropriate for every day wear. A tad bit too fixated on jewelry. He needs to pare his look down, sleek but sophisticated. I’m thinking Armani, charcoal gray and double breasted.
Rodriguez: He’s way too into his own culture and ‘people’. That tends to be a turn off to a lot of folks. He needs to expand his horizons, maybe take the road less traveled. And, I am so not being bitchy but…what’s with the horn?
Thom Filicia (interior designer): And girls, I’ve seen where this stud lives. We are going to do some serious redecorating or this fellow is never going to get a lady to come home with him! The place is positively medieval. I’m thinking some color, a cool celadon, on the walls, and we can hang some of those fab tapestries for artwork, you know, to give the place a touch of family history…
Gemili, Son of Gloin:
All Five, in Unison: ARUGH!!!!!
Douglas: God help me girls, but where do we start? I’m thinking with the hair.
Kressley: And beard, and jewels and outfit and….God, somebody pass the Valium cocktails with lithium chasers, won’t you?
Douglas: At the very least, he is getting a shave and a hair cut. Oh, and lifts. A man can wear lifts without shame these days.
Allen: And we WILL work on this boy’s table manners. If he’s going to enjoy beer, we are going to make him an expert in the subject! He’s got to be a brew master or the entire effort will just be wasted! Oh, and the mumbling, he is NEVER going to score if he doesn’t learn how to enunciate! I’m calling in the Diction Queen!
Gandalf, The White Wizard:
Allen: Strange, but I feel an…affinity for this guy. Is he straight?
Kressley: The robe is a bit too…feudal for me. He’s in fine shape for a man of his years. I say we go for the fit yet conservative look, slim tapered trousers and a natty cut to the jacket.
Douglas: Hair has to be cut, and that beard is so retro. Where has this guy been hiding out for 40 years? The Haight? I mean, the hippie look went out with the 70’s, hello? And God, let’s get him to a tanning booth. He looks positively exhumed.
Rodriguez: He has more culture and wisdom than the others. We need to showcase that aspect of his personality.
Legolas, The Wood Elf:
All Five: Sigh…..
Frodo Baggins:
Douglas: Let’s start with a good defuser for all those curls. His hair has great body but it needs taming….I am thinking we nip it short, spiky and tipped with some outlandish punky color at the ends. The boy needs to have some fun!
Kressley: And those short pants have got to go. He’s not four years old after all. Some tight jeans, a funky tee and some aviator shades. Oh and lose the jewelry.
Allen: Is this kid old enough to drink? I was just wondering. Anyway, for someone who fancies himself a great lover of food, his tastes seem to run to the…well, rustic. We are taking a day trip to Dean and Deluca so he can learn about the finer things in life. Can he even spell Cream Brulee?
Douglas: Is there any reason this guy can’t wear shoes? If not, we need to wax those feet of his and get that boy a serious pedicure…
Filicia: What’s with the round door decor? Is this some sort of cult decorating statement? I am going to redo his entire pad in Ikea and Pottery Barn. Asian meets Euro trash with touches of shabby chic when I’m through.
Samwise Gamgee:
Douglas: That horrid bowl cut is the first thing we are taking care of. And the color is…odd, to say the least. We need to shorten, shine and shag it up a bit.
Kressley: What is IT with the short pants on some of these guys? This guy needs a longer jacket to cover some of his figure flaws. And suspenders belong on a lawyer, a taller, slimmer lawyer. Oh God, and no shoes? Somebody get me a pair of flip flops!
Rodriguez: Let’s educate this guy in classic literature. He needs to upgrade his taste in poetry for starters.
Merry Brandybuck:
Douglas: Sad that such a nice looking boy has such frowny frown lines at such a young age. I’m thinking a shot of Botox will take years off of his face. Then maybe we wouldn’t be doing that retro Beatles 60s thing with the hair. I am going to get that mop layered and darkened. Oh, and we are thinning those brows.
Kressley: I am so getting sick of the short pants. We are going to go Malibu meets Prep boy with his new look. Retro dude with baggy shorts yet classic with the polo shirts and loafers. The girls will just eat him up. Yummy.
Allen: There is more to life than mushrooms and ale. I cannot wait to teach this fellow how to sauté some Chinese veggies.
Pippin Took:
Douglas: God in heaven how are we going to butch up this little cupcake? He’s the most gay straight man I’ve ever seen. Does he exfoliate? He must with skin like that. OK, we are starting with the hair AGAIN. Let’s slice it with a razor cut and spice it up with some amber low lights. And would you kill for a nose that straight?
Kressley: I formally give UP on these short pants! The scarf is history. I am now, is everybody watching me, I’m going to go the motorcycle shop and outfitting this tender babe in leather, head to toe. Not too much hardware on the jacket however, we aren’t going for Homo Klingon after all. Tight white tee should make the whole ensemble very James Dean-ish.
Allen: This guy is all about mischief. Let’s give him a menu that’s as fun and playful as his personality. I’ll start with chocolate. Even a guy this femme can get laid if he knows how to make chocolate truffles for his lady.
Rodriguez: I think the best thing we can do for this guy is get him a speech coach who will train him to lower his voice an octave. He sounds like a Disney cartoon character.
Filicia: Forget it. I’m doing this guy’s entire dwelling in leather. But it’s going to be pink leather.
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