PR 101: How To Launch A War
Editors Note: Now that the war has unofficially wound down, the press has gone back to hounding sociopaths and meteorologists. Of course, if Washington had called in The Pros and launched The War properly, things might have turned out quite differently.....
TheWeeklyChuckle
The specter of war had finally given the American press a reason to get up in the morning, paste thick layers of unflattering orangey make-up over their saggy faces and helmet spray their ever-thinning hair. They fixed their features with that ever-popular Concerned Journalist Expression and endlessly emoted over the tiniest details of what may or may not have been pertinent information related to The War. It was getting to the point that most Americans are sick to death of hearing about a war. And this was before Special Forces even landed in Iraq. We can thank the ever-vigilant fourth estate, The American press for this. If the press continues in the vein, Americans are going to boycott all future wars simply because it has been pre-reported to death: “Sucky Li reporting here John. White House officials are continuing to deny reports that the President made a face in his sleep because he was having a nightmare about mud wrestling naked with Bin Laden. Now to Jo-Jo Lang for more in-depth analysis on this breaking story…”
What we need, per true PR 101, is a formal LAUNCH. That’s right; we need to launch a war like we would any major product. Snotty over rated New York ad agencies can bid viciously for the print and media campaigns while Martha Stewart, if she gets probation and time off for excellent license plate making skills, can cater the launch party which should defiantly have a khaki and camouflage theme. She can serve canapés and little artful snacks (sculpted into the shapes of bite size F14s) in ration bags. The drinks could be dirty martinis served in those Army issue water canteens. Martha, are you listening? More integrated marketing ops for you because we know you are going to be looking for ways to reinvent yourself pretty soon here.
Everyone on the A List will dress like Marines except Marines who, being that they are actually trying to Defend Freedom, probably won’t be there. Sharon Stone will wear her uniform with thigh high army boots causing Joan Rivers to trash her up and down the red, white and blue carpet and J Lo will cause a scene by pinning medals directly to her booty and chest. Her military jacket, will of course, be transparent but won’t clash with whatever engagement ring she is sporting from her beau de jour.
It will be a memorable event and of course make the cover of People Magazine. Overall, this strategy presents a much more effective way to sell war, an on-going travesty, to the American public who, if they could ever stop watching such insipid trash like Joey Billionaire and Who Wants to Sleep with My Parents might just figure out that they have been had yet again.
Then again, we are talking about a citizenry who thinks Survivor is a show on TV and not something the best and brightest of this country are about to go and try and do for real.
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