Fate has once again intervened. We got waylaid by some VERY aggressive border guards and are now stuck in some kind of forest fun park. Part haunted, part robotic, the stupid trees won't stop talking! Even Disney's It's A Small World was less annoying than this! Plus, that darling hottie from the Green Dragon seems more intent on romping through the forest than playing body tag with yours truly Frustrated, Mipsy

I am still going to kill Mipsey. The local militia are seeking her out for us but there always seems to be some kind of political skirmishes on the borders. This is going to get us deported for sure. Love, Binky

I KNEW we were going to catch it. The local police are bundling us off to their main village. I tried to explain about the passports but they were having none of it. Those hunky studs from the Green Dragon are going along as well and seem to think that Mips may have met with foul play. If she has gone and gotten herself kidnapped over some local political issue it will just serve her right. Yours In Peace, Maude

We are now en route to a place called Edoras, the main village of this backwoods county. I am furious that we cannot get our passports replaced any other way. You would think that there would be a field office of some kind. Plus, the politics are frankly a mess. And I thought that the situation in the Middle East was complicated. Yours, Prissy

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Mips here. I am MOST put out by recent events. I have been ditched and am now forced to travel with some solvenly locals. At least several of those adorable guys from the Green Dragon are along for the ride as well. I can't wait to get the cute one alone. Must be fate....Sighingly Yours, Mipsy

Binky back again. I cannot believe what Mips has gone and done. She took the gold card with her! We now have to go off and find that idiot and get back the card. I think she even took the intinary which means we have NO IDEA where we are going!! Arugh!!! Wait until I get my hands on her! Love, Binky

What a mess this holiday is turning out to be! We are in a fine pickle currently; trying to track down that irresponsible Mipsey to get our documentation back. I just hope nobody asks for passports! Yours In Peace, Maude

Is there no end to the rustic backwater ways of these people? In Aruba it took me less than four hours to get a replacement for my Visa. In Paris my passport was replaced in less than a day (and we are talking about the French here mind you) but Middle Earth? How DO these people develop a thriving economy I ask you? When there is clearly not ONE American Express office in the entire tri-county area! And NO, my cell phone still isn't working. I am NEVER going anywhere without my wireless fax and palm pilot again, I swear! Yours, Prissy

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Furious In The Forest Again, I am never going to forgive Binky, Maude and Prissy for taking off on me this way! We got separated during a scuffle with some locals again and they ended up ditching me! Now I’m stuck traveling with some bizarre group of S&M body building extreme tri-athletes who seem to think it is cool to wear really stupid costumes as part of their training ritual. One of the leaders is kind of…well, hot, and he seems a little more than interested. Finally, somebody on this stupid trip is interested in me! Gearing Up For Some Serious Pay Back! Mipsy

Hello, Binky here. Goodness but that Mipsy has gone and made such a mess of things! We got into a bit of a…tussle with some exuberant locals and she actually took off with them! Who knew Mipsy, the one who has complained non-stop the entire time, would want to dump us to hang out with a group of athletes who actually train in ritual costumes? Now we are off sure to be totally off schedule and will most certainly lose our reservations, as we have to go and track down that dratted Mipsy. That idiot girl actually has all of our passports!! Love, Binky

Hello. Well, just leave it to that selfish girl Mipsy to upset the apple cart. She actually has taken off on some extreme sports challenge with some colorful residents and not even let us know where she was going! This is just so upset my newly found positive energy I cannot even begin to tell you. When Mips gets back I am going to refuse to speak with her, I swear it. Maude

Salutations. At least we are back on terra firma again. Everyone is annoyed at Mipsy for something but I'm still too queasy to deal with it. We had some interaction again with locals but they were pretty useless, nobody could tell me where I could get a decent manicure. By the looks of them, they probably couldn't spell manicure much less get one. Very scruffy. Perhaps it is a local thing. Meanwhile, Mips isn't around and I haven't had the energy to ask where she is gotten off to. Annoying twit. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. On The Mend, Pris

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Hi From The High Seas! Well, not exactly the high seas but who knew that we would be taking up boating on the rivers of Middle Earth? Prissy thought it would be a welcome change from all that hiking but really, I think she is still mooning over that longhaired over-the-hill hippie from Rivendell. And now there’s Maude who is all weepy over the buff guy she was doing and God knows what Binky has been up to. As for me, I am going to end up dying a virgin on this stupid trip. The Mipsters

Hello, Binky here. Everyone is absolutely thrilled to be back on the road again, especially Mipsy. We have elected to tackle the next leg of the trip via boating and I have to say, it was a marvelous decision. The landscape is so breathtaking that even stoic Maude has been moved to tears at the sight. Hopefully we can all start enjoying the trip as we were meant to. Love, Binky

Sighing from the High Seas! Maude here. I am feeling sadden by our departure from that lovely spa location. Sigh. But onward we go. I will write my new friend and think of him often as we bonded in a way that no one on this trip will ever understand. These people really need to have their aura reactualized. Mine is doing just splendid, thanks. Glowingly Yours, Maude

Retching and Miserable! Priss here. Did anybody bother to ask me if I was prone to seasickness? I think not. Where did I put that Dramamine anyway? Green around the gills. Yours, Pris

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Arugh! Maude is such a tart. She couldn’t wait to tell us that the guy she’s been after is so NOT gay. Plus, she is trying to compete with Prissy by claiming that HER guy is also royalty. I mean, come on! Finally got five minutes alone with the horny little guy in some romantic, secluded glade. He was just about to bend me back over some ancient birdbath when that 12-step program of a buddy of his showed up with a flower child refugee chick in tow. Since it looked like they wanted to be alone, Pippin (yes, he actually has a name) and I took off only to run into that sulky guy again. “Remember our Quest Pippin Took,” he said. Talk about totally ruining the moment. Ha. Little does he know that we may change our itinerary and head on back to Rivendell. If we do, I am so going to tell his girlfriend that he’s been cheating on her! Kisses and Hugs, Mipsy

Hello, Binky here. Some day that Mipsy is going to thank me for being such a good friend. For her own good, I alerted the nice boy’s buddy and his lady friend, Hopefully that will put an end to Mipsy’s antics. Lord knows, she won’t listen to a word I have to say. I also tried to talk to the brooding chap but he seemed preoccupied with personal issues of his own. Is nobody here concerned with their spiritual growth??? Love, Binky

Thank goodness I've found some interesting companions on this trip that understands the depth of my spirituality. Mips, Binky and Priss are just so....pedestrian. Sad really. At least I'm in touch with my inner power. On a side note, spoke with a fellow who is actually local royality! Really! How fascinating this that. Seems to know a great deal about local legend and lore as well. Will try and learn as much as I can. At least one of us is poised to be a fountain of knowlesge after this is all over with. Maude

Hello to all. Binks and Mips are at it again. Over some young wisp of a boy this time. He doesn't even look old enough to drive for pity's sake. They could get arrested for this. Honestly. I will refuse to bail any of them out. Off to locate a fax machine. Prissy

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Greetings again to all, We have found some decent lodging in yet another New Agey place called Lothlorien. Thelocals remind of that yoga retrest, Riverdell and not a moment too soon as my aura is so out of whack, I am not sure if a hot stone messge and a tea leafreading is going to do the trick this time. Off to mediate and try and find my center. Maude

That Maude. What a bunch of new age crap she is sprouting these days. Put her near some post modern hippie and she goes all tofu on us. It is just ridiculous. Plus, there is nothing to drink in this place but wine. What I wouldn't give for a decent martini straight up. I can't even recharge my Palm Pilot, that's how backwards this place is. Priss

Miserable In Lothlorien, Everyone but me is getting some action again. That sulky guy and the grumpy grandfather won’t let the little horny guy near me for some reason but Maude, the tramp, has already hooked up with some other buff guy that the Green Dragon boys are also traveling with. She actually asked him to let her play with his…horn….how obvious is that? Initially, he didn’t get the hint and started telling her all about his hometown of Gondor (on our itinerary much later in the trip by the way). I hope he’s gay, it would serve her right if he was. Mips

Hello, Binky here. Maude is off chatting with one of the gentleman that has been traveling with the nice boys from The Green Dragon. I hope she behaves herself, unlike Prissy and Mipsy I hope she maintains some semblance of proprietary otherwise everyone in Middle Earth will surely think we are all sluts. Love, Binky

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Dear, dear, dear...Leave it to Maude to royally screw things up. She nearly got us arrested with her yogurt eating, tree tripping ways! Let’s got for a walk in the forest, she said. Let’s wonder among the trees and commune with nature, she said. The locals are NUTS! We accidentally trespassed and must have broken every law in Middle Earth! It was not, repeat, not a pretty moment and the locals were not amused. Luckily, one of the military guys seemed to be taken with Prissy of all people and she got us an escort to the main city. There we ran into, you guessed it! Those yabbos from The Green Dragon!!! I am NEVER going to hook up with a hot guy! Mipsy

Hello, Binky here. Prissy has been trying to make up for the mess in Moria. She got us introduced to some nice locals and they actually took us to their home base. It is a very ethereal place, this Lothlorien and quite like Rivendell right down to the nice four boys from The Green Dragon showing up again. It seems that I am doomed to baby-sit that morally bankrupt Mipsy for the entire trip. Love, Binky

Hello All, I don't want you to worry about me so I've written way before I am ready to let you all know how upset I am about Prissy, Binky and Mipsy's outrageous behavior. I cannot begin to tell you how badly they have screwed up my aura. I am going to need a crystal reading the moment I return home. Try not to worry about me...too much. Maude

Sheesh. What a bunch of babies I am stuck with. A merry little romp, a bit of a tussle with locals and these guys fall apart straight away. I TOLD them that tree huggers were dangerous but does anyone listen to me? Of course not. I am going to go and meet those nice young men from The Green Dragon who have showed up, yet again, to find out if they know anything about this new locale. So far this Lothlorien place seems restful enough and there certainly are men aplenty (just ask that tramp Mipsy) but I sure wish I could get some mobile coverage. The entire vacation spot is one huge cellular death zone. MOST upsetting. Priss

 

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Over The Moon In Moria! Wow! Talk about your archeological wonders! I cannot believe we are actually making our way through these mines. Thank god we did all that hiking before we tried this, it is really challenging. To pass the time, everyone is beginning to spill the beans about their wild nights in Rivendell. Me, I come up dry every time. Turns out everyone but ME was having great, hot sex with all the blond and sexy locals. Even Binky! And with thighs like hers? I knew it, I just KNEW it! No wonder they didn’t want to leave. I am so discouraged I don’t feel like taking more photos as incredible as the scenery truly is. It’s really drafty in these mines; think I’m getting a cold. Hoping For Better Times, The Mips

Hello, Binky here. We sure got out of that Rivendell just in the knick of time. Prissy had convinced herself that this fling of hers actually had a future. Sigh. I confessed to the girls that I spent my time in Rivendell, ‘working on my inner happiness’. For some reason, Mipsy seemed to think that was very funny. She never could appreciate the finer things in life. Oh! Speaking of finer things, this trek though the mines has been positively wonderful. I will have tons to tell you about when I get home! Love, Binky

Hi and hang on to your knickers! What a trip this has been so far! Seems we hiked head long into some sort of local riot! All these protestors dressed up in garish costumes and rioting all over the place. It was getting really violent so we ran like hell and they actually chased us all the way to the other side of the mines! We figured they must have all belonged to a group of crazed environmentalists who want the mines to remain untouched. I swear, we never even so much as littered. What a bunch of extremists! Still Trying to Catch My Breath, Prissy

Dear Friends, I am simply too upset with the others to enjoy myself right now. I will write much more later after I have gathered my composure and calmed down. Blessed to All, Maude

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Simmering and Back On The Road,

The gang and I had SUCH a big row about whether to stick to the itinerary or stay in this hippie dippie retreat called Rivendell. It was a huge battle but I convinced everyone to stay on schedule for now at least. Prissy in particular did not want to leave. She is so doing that Elron guy. It’s so obvious and tacky, really. Maybe there will be time at the end of the trip to come back so Prissy at least will stop sulking. Off for our photo shoot in some famous mines. Hope the gang is up to the challenge as there is supposed to be a lot of rock climbing involved. I for one am buff and ready. Love, Hip Mip

P.S. No, there never was enough time to hook up properly with the short guy from The GD. His whippy little buddy got sick again and then they had to take off. I think they are taking him to some hush-hush rehab facility. He really wouldn’t say. Like I said, some things are just not meant to be!

Hello,

Binky here. All the gang is thrilled to be back on the road except for Prissy who wanted to stay. You can guess why. This photo excursion is just what the doctor ordered to get her mind off of the pilates instructor. These vacation romances never work out anyway! The only downside is that Mipsy is hopelessly out of shape and really slowing us down. And this after all that hiking we did! Love, Binky

Hello My Dear Ones,

It is such a chore keeping all these tarts in line, I have to tell you, some people just don't have their priorities straight. I am so glad that I, above all else, have faithfully recorded The Truth in my new travel journal. I don't want any of this coming out as falsehoods, especially the antics that Prissy is pulling. How embarrassing. And such a poser, pretending to be so New Age when he clearly is some hippie has-been from The Haight. Sad, really. Missing you all, Maude

Hi Prissy Here!

Feeling tres, tres sad today, had to leave lovely, lovely Rivendell because of rampant jealousy. The girls are just so petty and narrow minded, you would not believe it. Whatever happened to being spontaneous? I didn't even get the guy's cell phone number so I cannot even text message him some cute little ideas for our reunion. And I WILL see him again before the end of this trip! This guy has moves that haven't even been invented yet! Ahhhh!! Prissy

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Ravings From Rivendell!

It’s me again, all rested up in this dreamy, trippy place called Rivendell. I think it is sort of a spa or former hippie retreat because everyone dresses in these funky clothes and walks around like they have just come from yoga class. Yet to find where the yoga classes are being held though. Also, guess who showed up YET AGAIN? You got it, the four short guys from The Green Dragon. Bummer, they are still with that sulky hot guy. I finally asked the little horny one, “Are you following me or what?” I can’t believe he showed up when I finally found some place that is totally overflowing with HOT guys. All the gang is off, Pricilla, Maude and Binky, probably having really great sex with these Gods while I am stuck with some horny little guy who keeps trying to get me off for some private hike. Christ almighty! More hiking! When do I get to have some great sex??? Frustrated, Mipsy

Hello, Maude here back with more news. Rivendell has turned out to be a bit of a let down, not nearly the metropolitan hotbed of sophistication that Bree was. The locals are nice enough but it turns out the nice young boys from The Green Dragon have showed up yet again and keeping Mipsy from making a fool of herself is turning out to be a full time job.
Love, Maude

Greetings! Some hot gossip for you! Priscilla is having sex with one of the locals, I am certain of it. Some guy who runs the retreat I think. You know Prissy, has to be somebody important. She even claims the guy is like, royalty or something. Right…..What a snob! Personally, I don’t think older guys should keep their hair so long hair but seems to be the fashion around here. I did try and take a hike with that horny little guy but that sulky hunk and what seemed to be his girlfriend kept interrupting us. Boy, the things I could have told her! I was nice though; she seemed on the verge of tears so maybe they were in the process of breaking up. Poor thing. Good-looking men are such bastards. Love to all, Binks
P.S. Prissy did tell her short term lover all about those nasty riders who nearly ran us down. He said he would do what he could but something about jurisdiction I guess. All I want to know is if he’s so well connected, why doesn’t he just have them arrested??

Hello, I'm back here with more news. Guess who has joined Mipsy wallowing in a virtual pool of depravity. Somebody is actually having a liaison with one of the pilates masters! It is so embarrassing, I cannot even tell you. The man has, for pity’s sake, really long hair. I myself have spent most of the time in seclusion, working on a new marketing plan. Thankfully, that brooding chap I spoke of is chaperoning the four boys and keeping a close eye on the one Mipsy has the hots for. When I finally get cell phone coverage I will call you with all the details. Meanwhile I'm lodging a formal complaint with the activities director about the unsafe traffic on the open road. Love, Priss

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Greetings from The Wild…

Now I remember why I hated camping so much! It is muddy, cold, dirty and yes, dangerous! We nearly got run down by what I am certain had to be those traveling Grim Reaper wannabes. Honestly, if I could find a local police station I would report those maniacs, I really would. Meanwhile, we keep trudging our way to some dreamy retreat called Rivendell. It had better be as nice as we were told because all this hiking is really beginning to annoy me. On the plus side, seem to have dropped the pounds I put on in The Shire. Too bad that horny little guy isn’t around, I am back in my short-shorts and looking really hot. Hugs! Mipsy

Hello,

Binky here. Camping out in the wilderness has been wonderful. The fresh air, bracing nip in the air, wonderful open road. Oh! And those incredible entertainers from The Prancing Pony passed by. Of course, they are obviously some sort of local celebrities so they just waved on their way to their next engagement. As a matter of fact, they seemed to be in kind of a hurry. Would be wonderful to get a picture or autograph, maybe they have an engagement in Rivendell. Here’s hoping! In other news, Mipsy insists on wearing these horrid daisy duke short shorts, and with those thighs! Love, Binky

Hi There,

I missed the gorgeous hunk of man by mere seconds! He was more interested in those four short guys from The Shire than he was in giving me his cell phone number. Oh well, I suppose it takes all kinds. We are en route to Rivendell. My new Prada hiking boots are just smashingly fashionable, even in The Wild. Mipsy is jealous of my considerable fitness but then, where was she when I spent all those hours in power pilates classes? And with those thighs of hers and everything.
Priscilla

Nature calls me!

And a good thing too because nobody is interested in talking things out. It’s really beginning to affect my valuable time here in Middle Earth and I, for one, am rather upset that everyone won’t talk out their issues. I have decided to therefore just enjoy my special time here and ignore people who simply refuse to act their age. Take Mipsy for example, and I am not one to gossip, but she insists on wearing these dreadful shorts that a teenager shouldn’t even consider? And then there is Prissy with her stupid cell phone! Obviously, we are in a dead zone and well between cell stations. Some people. Love Always, Maude

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Boo Hoo Hoo!

What a vacation this is turning out to be. Remember the good-looking guy I mentioned in my last post card? Well, Mr. Babe positively ruined any chance of a hot time between the short cute guy and myself! And just when we were about to come…to an understanding. Seems one of his friends is a little off, apparently, and gets these fits or something. Too bad, it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. They took off and now we have to hit the road again or lose our reservations in some place called Rivendell. Worse, it is some sort of impossible to get to place so, again, no rental car. What IS IT with this place? It’s like downtown China or something, nobody drives! Still Pouting, Mips

Hello,

Binky here. Whew. We are back on the road, hiking our way to the retreat where we have reservations. Everyone was ready to get some much needed exercise and therefore is thrilled to be footing it. Also a plus, we are saving loads of money on rental cars. Now that Mipsy is away from that innocent young man, I think we can salvage what is left of this trip!
Love, Binky

Hi There,

Well that gorgeous hunk of man got away and I did not get his phone number. I can not believe that no one in the bar knows this guy. What is he some sort of drifter or something? I just have to take him to the Christmas party. Mipsy will be so jealous. I saw her staring at him all night long. I will hire a PI if I need to. In other news we are hiking again. We are on our way to a place called Riverdale. It sounds more sophisticated, so I hope it at least has internet. You guessed it I am so going to change cellular services when I get home. Priscilla

Back on the Road Again,

It is wonderful to smell the fresh air again after the smells of spilled ale and unclean men. I suppose that is the custom in this part of Britain. Mipsy says we are in Scotland, but I think we are in a remote part of the British Isles that is vastly unpopulated and untouched. I am really getting tired of all of my judgmental friends. No one wants to let all of us just do our own thing. Guess it will up to me to arrange a group chat to clear the air. Maude

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Brace Yourself!