Big Sticks, Small Pucks: NFL Ice Hockey and Other Sports Obsessions
Where Athletic Support Comes In Many Shapes and Sizes
Sharks Rumors Direct From: 'Deep Fin'
Why Everyone Has a Severe Case of Surly Envy...With Stats Like That What Do You Expect??
Thanks to Deep Fin, TLL’s new ultra top secret supplier of insider info/bait at the Sharks, we have confirmed that there is a rumor going around with some of the staff affiliated with the Sharks. Reportedly, some staff think that Surly, aka, Number 22, defenseman Scott Hannan, was chosen as a player to showcase on thelastlaugh.net site based primarily on characteristics that have….shall we say, little to do with actual athletic prowess.
To test out this theory, we risked barging into The Scottish Geisha’s office.
“Why did we choose Surly again?” we asked.
The Scottish Geisha spun around in her seat, narrowing her brilliantly hued eyes. She was under deadline and clearly in no mood to humor staffers so she let us have it:
“First in ice time, averaging more than 24 minutes a game. Second as team defense in assists. Second in defense points. First in shorthanded assists though you yabbos probably don’t know a shorthanded assist from a slap shot. Second in shorthanded points. Named Sharks Player of the Month in February for scoring five points in 11 games. Posted first multi-assist game of last season…is there anything else you need?”
We were still trying to sort out how The Scottish Geisha could, with such ease, quote detailed sports stats or, for that matter, how she knew what a shorthanded assist was.
Embarrassed, we stammered out something lame about wanting to showcase the right athlete.
“What? You wanted some flashy high scoring offense player? Not a defenseman? Not somebody out there working the ice night after night, giving his all for the good of the team?”
We explained all about the rumor.
“So, what you are saying, really, is that Deep Fin has reported that some people are jealous of adorable Surly, is that it? And why wouldn’t they be? He’s just about the purest skater in the NHL and he doesn’t even know it yet because he’s too busy out there doing his job. As an athlete, his talent is compelling; Surly clearly lives to play ice hockey and he does it with passion and a formidable dedication to this craft. What more do you people want?”
We had no answer to that until somebody asked the question. “Then it isn’t because he’s so…well, attractive?”
The Scottish Geisha shook her head. “Don’t talk to me about attractive, what would any of you know. Being attractive is clearly a burden that both Surly and I must bear, each in our own humble way.”
Being that we were already on very thin ice, we let that one pass. And the reference to ice hobbit?
“Tongue in cheek, a term of endearment, must I explain everything to you people? Spatially speaking, Surly is big enough to merit his own eco system for pity’s sake….are you people on drugs or just having a flashback from all those narcotics that you used in college?”
OK, so we were done dealing with the rumors about Surly.
“The NHL draft is this week,” The Scottish Geisha reminded us as we made to slink out of her office yet again. “Pay attention people, this is a pivotal time for the Sharks as they rebuild the team and move forward with a new strategy.”
A day later, a copy of, “Hockey For Dummies” was sitting on our collective desks. The first thing we did was look up ‘shorthanded assist’.
It looks like that is what The Scottish Geisha did when she explained to us Surly’s already formidable athletic accomplishments.
“Poor Surly cannot help that he’s such an attractive….you know, Surly,” The Scottish Geisha pointed out as we continued to pour over “Hockey For Dummies”. “I, more than anyone else, understand what it is to endure resentment the way Surly has to endure the likes of jealous cretins like you.”
Jealous? Jealous? Cretins we may well certainly be but we take…umbrage with the term, ‘jealous’.
"Clearly, you are all suffering from a severe case of....of Surly Envy," The Scottish Geisha declared. Was that something bordering on pity in her voice?
"It's totally understandable, really," she continued in that condescending tone used by woman who think they have hit the mark. "With statistics like that, what man wouldn't be envious?"
"Sports statistics I mean," she added hastily after seeing the collective look on our faces. You know, on the ice performance type statistics, that kind of statistics announcers talk about but not any other kind of...why are you all smirking at me like that?"
We rarely get to see the The Scottish Geisha on the verge of anything approaching flustered. Trust us, it's a thing of beauty. However, just to set the record straight, no matter how impressive Surly's ...statistics are, we do not, repeat, do not suffer from a severe case of, “Surly Envy”. A moderate case of Surly Envy, yes, absolutely, but not severe….at least not until the 2003-2004 hockey season starts, that is. What else did you think we were referring to?
Copyright© 2003. All rights reserved.