How...408 Of You...
Editors Note: Pretty Sad when the Bay Area's area code is the fashion industry's way of telling the rest of the well clad world just how badly we dress...
TheWeeklyChuckle There is a reason that the Bay Area is the
laughing stock of the fashion industry and that reason is that the 'fashion
experts' of the Bay Area are about as fashionable as Marilyn Mason is
in downtown Baghdad.
Take the Mercury News, the local LifeStyle pages on Sundays as an example.
A recent 'Seen About Town' column featured two hapless Asian women who
were attending an upscale fashion industry business day event. Keep in
mind: fashion...business...and daytime. Oh, in winter. One wore white
pants with a fur stole. The other, proudly sported an unflattering strappy
chiffon cocktail dress with slouchy suede boots. Yup. And all this was
supposed to be 'fashionable'. Nobody bothered to inform the 'fashion editors'
at the Merc that upscale day time business events usually don't include
really tacky fur stoles OR summery white pants in November and they sure
don't merit ill fitting cocktail dresses with boots. Both outfits were
so badly put together and so inappropriate for a day time business event,
much less a fashion industry event, as to be laughable. I'm sorry but
do they NOT KNOW what is in well, FASHION? And more to the point, appropriate?
We supposed this is all a step up from the usual bleached out teens they
photograph who are proudly displaying micro minis with cropped tops that
flaunt huge bellies and mannish large arms. You gotta hand it to some
of the younger generation, letting it all hang out has been severely redefined.
The fashion victim with the fur stole (yes fur God help us, is back),
also had a hobo bag, both very in fashion but FOR PITY'S SAKE, NOT TOGETHER
and NOT at a business function! Put down the fur stole for daytime, put
on some sleek black pants and a not over the top military style jacket
and there you go, polished and professional. And boots, yup, the tacky
cocktail dress lady got the boots right but this was a DAY event and generally
speaking, boots look well, STUPID paired with floaty chiffon cocktail
dresses. Better to pair those boots with cropped tailored pants and a
fitted jacket for balance. The depiction is typical of local style editors
with no judgment. Just because somebody has thrown on the latest trend
does not mean, by ANY means that their look is either appropriate or remotely
stylish. They typically send out some hapless stringer photographer to
some event with instructions of "look for anybody wearing the following...".
And believe us, the results speak for themselves. Long has the Bay Area
rightly bared the mocking of ugly 80s-suited women engineers and Birkenstock
shod geek female clodhoppers but do we have to add fuel to the fire? The
fashion industry also makes fun of the Bay Area's insecurities. Ever expanding
foreign populations, hoping to fit in, tend to be more trend conscious
and label seeking. Let's not make that one more true than it already is,
ok? Let's TRY and put some judgment and guidelines into place, shall we?
Let's help those hapless local fashion victims with some really BASIC
guidelines:
1. Don't mix day and evening wear. Cocktail and party dresses are NOT
appropriate for the office or day wear, not even at day time party events.
Your prom days are long gone girls, get over it. If you insist on wearing
garish prom dresses as an adult, then you will have to move to Japan.
2. Stick to just one trendy accessory. Chunky bangles, hobo bags, fur
touches, all very nice but NOT all at once. Even better rule of thumb:
The more visually obvious and trendy/wild the accessory, the more tailored
and subdued the clothing should be.
3. Pair neutrals and classics with new style trends. Don't be a fashion
victim by screaming trendy. That just tells everyone how insecure you
are. If you put on cropped pants, make the jacket more classic or visa
versa.
4. Boots are really more difficult than they seem. The shorter the legs,
the tougher the boot wearing gets. This is why the only people who can
wear both cropped pants AND boots are towering female models over six
feet tall. The rest of us have to pick one or the other.
5. And while we are on the subject of shoes...only dippy 13 year olds
can get away with clunky platforms. The rest of us should buy sleek high-heeled
pumps and stop trying to be 13 again. Really, the 70s are over and they
lost so get on down to DSW, buy some basic pumps (three inch heels at
least, please) and stop whining. Come to think of it, 13 pretty much sucked
in every other way, didn't it?
6. Forget, don't even THINK about trying to fit into your teenage daughter's
clothes. It is beyond pathetic and those of us who grew up with mothers
who routinely committed that fashion felony know from whence we speak.
Think of the years of therapy you will be saving your daughter. Rule of
thumb: If you honestly still have the body of a 20 something then you
can shave 7 to 10 years off of your overall 'look' but not a day more.
If you are 45 and wear a size four you still don't get to wear Brittany
Spear's cast-offs. Nothing is more pathetic. Nothing. Celebrity watch
for this. You won't see classy Rene Russo wearing what Katie Holmes does,
she dresses appropriate for her age and (amazing) body type. Sharon Stone
tries teen glam sometimes and the press is unmerciful when she does. She
is 47, not 17 and while that seems to be a problem for her at times, when
she gets it right, there is no one more stunning. As you age: simple and
classic carry the day.
7. Be brutally honest about your figure flaws. There is nothing more disheartening
that watching petite Asian women wearing cropped pants while they bemoan
their stubby legs. Cropped pants, hello? Unless you have legs up to your
tonsils, don't wear them. Alternately, if you are petite don't fool yourself
into thinking that being a scant five feet tall and a size 8 makes you
tiny. No, with those proportions you are simply short, short and wide.
If you are five feet and a size one then you are tiny. But five feet and
a size 8 just makes you chunky and short, dress accordingly. And if you
are short, don't try and be a pixie all your life. Nothing more distasteful
than a middle aged woman topping out at five feet and still trying to
dress like a baby doll.
8. Find a decent pair of jeans, at any age, and make sure they FIT. This
is where you have to spend money because surprisingly so very few women
can 'walk' into a pair of jeans. Normally, for the typical American 'hour-glass
shaped female' the waist is too big and the seat and thighs too small.
Have them made if you must but wear jeans that FIT and flatter. It's harder
than you think. Oh, and unless you are 14, really, no trendy beading,
bleaching, rips, holes, embellishments. Recall, the late, great fashion
icon Princess Diana was a master at wearing a simple pair of jeans. Hers
were generally very narrow and long through the leg (like she was), a
little high on the rise (she was more tee shaped than hour glass so this
gave her waist definition) and very, very simple. She could wear jeans,
they never wore her, like she could wear evening wear. She knew what worked
on her and what didn't.
9. If you have had the same hairstyle or make-up for the past five years,
you are dating yourself. Fix it.
10. Don't emulate, create your own style. It is fine to admire a certain
celebrity look but don't copy it. Doubtful you have J Lo's body, hair,
coloring, etc., anyway. Take the best of what you have and show it off,
design around your flaws. And be brutally honest at all times.
And ladies, while you are at it? No sloppy track suits and trainers or
pajama bottoms and flip flops while running errands, please. The fashion
police should be allowed to shoot you on site for that one.
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