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TheDailyFix
Our last quiz was so popular that we felt compelled to report on an ancient
male phenomenon that continues, throughout all time, to plague both men
and women of all ages.
It is called One-Inch Dick Syndrome or, as the pros say, OIDS. How do you know if a man you know has OIDS? Simple, refer to the symptoms/situations below and you will know.
A man has OIDS if he:
1. He uses his car as a weapon to threaten, intimidate or
otherwise evoke a negative reaction out of anyone on the road. Typical
behavior includes cutting other drivers off, tail gating, speeding, and
otherwise acting like an ass while driving.
2. He drives an SUV yet always insists on parking in a slot marked for
compact vehicles.
3. He only treats his most productive or talented employee/wife’s
best friend/female acquaintance with any discernable measure of respect
after she’s suddenly lost 20 pounds.
4. He hits on his most productive or talented employee/wife’s best
fiend/female acquaintance only after she’s suddenly lost 20 pounds.
5. He is on his third (trophy wife) and while clearly overweight himself,
micromanages her weight and is on a first name basis with her plastic
surgeon.
6. He talks incessantly about all the incredible sex he’s had….with
someone other than you.
7. He thinks his ever-growing bare gut or gross hairy back are perfectly
acceptable for public consumption but continues to harp on how MUCH bigger
breasts (bigger than yours at least) are what you should be saving your
money for.
8. He wears the colors of his favorite sports team in the form of garish
thick, greasy make-up covering his entire face in order to get on television
during a sporting event.
9. He makes a bet to shave his head with his best friend over something
really stupid. And follows through when he loses the bet. Again.
10. He has had calf implants.
11. He thinks he’s a ‘great catch’ or ‘has the
complete package’ and is convinced that all women want him.
12. He tells you repeatedly that he’s a ‘great catch’
or ‘has the complete package’ and that all women want him.
13. He constantly harps on the notion that he can’t believe his
brother/best friend/buddy is still married to ‘that ugly, fat old
cow’ when the truth is, his brother/best friend/buddy is married
to a lovely, accomplished and very attractive woman whose only crime is
that she is three pounds heavier and ten years older from when he first
met her a decade ago.
14. He announces, out of the blue, that he thinks Brittany Spears is ‘getting
up there’ in years. He’s 54 years old.
15. He spends more time at the gym/spa/plastic surgeon’s office
than with you.
16. He immediately, after sex, dissects ‘your performance’.
17. He says that while you keep your weight down and work out diligently
that ‘with your body type’ your figure will probably ‘be
a mess in a few years’.
18. He ignores you at virtually every party, get together and social outing
while he hits on every female with a pulse. Says the problem isn’t
him but simply that ‘you are paranoid”.
19. He won’t take you to virtually every party, get together and
social outing he goes to. He says the problem isn’t him but simply
that ‘you are paranoid”.
20. He keeps an expensive framed photo of his ex by his bedside. He says
the problem isn’t him but simply that ‘you are paranoid”.
Turnabout is fair play, men have asked us to comment upon that long time condition unique to females, Super Mega-Bitch Syndrome, or, as the pros say, SMBS. How do you know if a woman you know has SMBS? Simple, refer to the symptoms/situations below and you will know.
A woman has SMBS if:
1. You call up your best female friend to tell her your
husband/beloved pet/parent tragically just died and she abruptly changes
the subject to talk about how her married lover isn’t buying her
enough jewelry.
2. You call up your girlfriend to let her know that although you just
accidentally severed your leg off above the knee in a tragic accident
you still love her. She testily tells you to hold on, nosily drops the
phone and you hear her call out, “No honey, it’s nobody, light
the candles and I’ll be with you in a moment.”
3. Your significant other reads you the riot act for your beloved grandmother’s
funeral running five minutes late because she has a standing nail appointment
across town.
4. You take your best girl to the most important business dinner party
of your career and she leaves early. With your rival.
5. She puts you on hold every time you call and when she eventually comes
back on the phone she says, “Yes Mark?”. Your name, however,
is John.
6. She confides in you that her cousin's decision to disclose the true
identity of the biological father of her three children to her long-suffering
husband is a, ‘Really a bad move financially.”
7. She informs you, in no uncertain terms, that ‘only ugly chicks’
have to give blowjobs.
8. She knows the law, to the letter, in every state, regarding community
property, co-habitation and pre-nuptial agreements.
9. When she finally introduces you to her family she immediately says,
“John, is really an excellent candidate for that show, extreme make-overs.”
This time, sadly, your name IS John.
10. Talks incessantly about all the incredible sex she’s had…with
someone other than you.
11. When you sadly announce that your best friend’s marriage is
over, your girlfriend bitingly informs you that, “She should have
been more careful and not gotten caught.” Oddly enough, your best
friend didn’t tell you that there was infidelity involved.
12. She thinks that behind every stay-at-home dad is an ugly, successful
woman.
13. She has no girlfriends or female pals. No woman likes her. Or trusts
her.
14. She reminds you constantly that your equipment ‘really is on
the small side’.
15. She spends more time at the gym/spa/plastic surgeon’s office
than with you.
16. She immediately, after sex, dissects ‘your performance’.
17. She thinks Anna Nicole Smith got ‘ripped off’ by the courts
and her late husband’s family.
18. She ignores you at virtually every party, get together and social
outing while she hits on every male with a pulse. Says the problem isn’t
her but simply that ‘you are paranoid”.
19. She won’t take you to virtually every party, get together and
social outing she goes to. Says the problem isn’t her but simply
that ‘you are paranoid”.
20. She keeps an expensive framed photo of her ex by his bedside. She
says the problem isn’t her but simply that ‘you are paranoid”.
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