New Year's Resolutions
Editors Note: Tried of the same old resolutions that you abandon after just a few days? We got you covered in 2004.......
TheWeeklyChuckle New Year's Resolutions that work! Keep these in mind as you make up your resolution list for 2004!
1. I promise to never watch another insipid, boring, endlessly emoting, BAD 'reality TV' show again. Not even the ones that feature vapid women with decent bodies clad in scanty bathing suits. If I want to see flesh, I will get on the computer and surf for tacky free porn like all the other perverts.
2. I will stop bitching about my weight or the shape of my body and do like everyone in Hollywood: I will either start effecting character roles like Kathy Bates or call a local plastic surgeon. I will also remember that even Demi Moore pays for liposuction and knows that a personal trainer will only get you so far.
3. I will stop thinking that the pretty decent person I am with is only a pit stop on my way to a headline grabbing romance with a mega star. I will remember this every time I look in the mirror in the morning and every time I balance my checkbook. I will know, in my heart, that I'm no great prize and that Brittany Spears isn't pining away for me. And every single time I start to forget this I will remind myself of how happy and well adjusted mega couples like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are.
4. I will get off my lazy butt and take the dog for a walk more than twice a year because the NHL isn't going to be calling me up to the pros anytime soon and I need to get over that fantasy too.
5. I will stop taking callous advantage of the people who care about me even though I probably don't deserve their love. I will try to do at least one nice thing for everyone who treats me well. Doesn't sound like much but then this is a big turnaround for the jerk that I've evolved into.
6. I will not watch Dr. Phil even though the pompous ass has a point. Instead, I will get off my lazy behind and change at least one thing that makes me miserable. My job, profession, partner, weight, whatever it is that I cannot stand the most, I will stop bitching about it and make the change. Without the benefit of self help gurus like Dr. Phil who is making too much money for me to bear.
7. I will travel more, read more, play decent music more and listen more. This actually won't take much of an effort since I have, over time, developed the aesthetic tastes of a modern day Oscar Madison.
8. I will read more than just People Magazine or old copies of Hustler, see number seven above.
9. I will watch reruns of my favorite shows without feeling ashamed including the original Star Trek.
10. I will learn one thing that actually makes me interesting but not boring to people. This leaves out mastering wine tasting, ancient Babylonian history or Japanese. Nobody cares about that sort of stuff. I could, however, master basic carpentry, learn how to cook the perfect dessert cake or take a decent photograph. God knowing that it is me, nobody is expecting perfection, just a bit of improvement.
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