How to Obtain A Bootleg DVD in Hong Kong
Editors Note: SARS, MARS....anyone worth their gold card knows that the best shopping bargains are to be found in Hong Kong especially now that well, nobody is inclined to go bargain hunting. We asked The Scottish Geisha to Give Us Some Shopping Pointers worthy of combating this on-going medical crisis...
TheWeeklyChuckle Step One: Go to Hong Kong.
Step Two: Go to Kowloon night market.
Step Three: Act Casual.
Step Four: Scope out all the DVD vendors.
Step Five: Ignore all the DVD vendors.
Step Six: Bargain ruthlessly for clothing items you are uncertain will fit or even please your friends and family.
Step Seven: Feel pleased with self.
Step Eight: Ignore the DVD vendors who are now really trying to get your attention. And your money.
Step Nine: Glance dispassionately at best DVD vendor has to offer. Make face of Supreme Disappointment. Sigh audibly.
Step Ten: Pretend to walk away from DVD vendor who, by now, is pretending to be openly distraught.
Step Eleven: Inform by-now (pretending to be) frantic DVD vendor that you have all the offerings he has and are looking for something….newer.
Step Twelve: Allow vendor to follow you down the street and pester you. Newer? Yes, newer. How new? VERY new. Pause briefly when vendor says he can get you VERY new. Ask HOW new? Very new. Pause again.
Step Thirteen: Act Casual.
Step Fourteen: Inform DVD vendor that you do not wish to waste his time. You only want Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers. Nothing else. Pretend to walk away.
Step Fifteen: Pause with feigned indifference when vendor says he can get you TTT! Tilt head cynically, though attractively. Repeat that you do not want Fellowship of the Rings; you want THE TWO TOWERS.
Step Sixteen: Tell vendor, repeatedly, that you only want TWO copies of this DVD. Not ten like he is trying to sell to you. Glance at watch; look bored. Check manicure.
Step Seventeen: Try not to panic when vendor suddenly vanishes down Side Street leaving his stall open and unattended. Try to convince self that he is going to get your DVDs from black market source, NOT alerting local police.
Step Eighteen: Smile vapidly at what seems to be local police officers strolling by. Wish you smoked cigarettes at this point so you will have something besides sex to trade for favors while in jail.
Step Nineteen: Pull best poker face when vendor returns a full 15 minutes later. Decide that vendor’s uncle must work in that factory in Shanghai that turns out all the bootleg DVDs. Do not glance around, keep head down. Do not look pleased or surprised when vendor opens jacket and produces TTT DVDs.
Step Twenty: Though you are about to become a genuine criminal, continue to Act Casual.
Step Twenty-one: Bargain mercilessly. Vendor wants $100 HK. You, however, only want to spend $50 HK. Settle on $70 HK but ONLY after vendor throws in a brand new Harry Potter bootleg DVD. That you are arguing over $5.50 U.S. when you would gladly pay $100 U.S. is totally beside the point.
Step Twenty-two: Tell vendor you want him to actually PLAY bootleg DVD on the machine he has rigged up right on the street. Do not react when he glances around nervously and seems to think this is a Bad Idea. Check manicure again.
Step Twenty-three: Allow vendor to spend all of 15 seconds flipping through TTT scenes. Decide you are pushing your luck. Pay the vendor, take the DVDs and get your sorry butt back on subway.
Step Twenty-four: Perform step twenty-three very, very casually.
How to Smuggle A Bootleg DVD Out of Hong Kong:
Step One: Follow steps outlined above.
Step Two: Go to the Hong Kong Airport
Step Three: Act Casual.
Step Four: Check bags at new subway airport terminal. Check bags clean through to San Francisco.
Step Five: Be grateful for this fab new check-in process. You will not have to lug those heavy, overstuffed bags anywhere.
Step Six: Buy a latte at the Starbucks (don’t act surprised, they are all over Hong Kong).
Step Seven: Feel pleased.
Step Eight: Get on plane to Taiwan, power nap. Latte didn’t work after all.
Step Nine: Race frantically around Taipei airport. Try to get through the system and still make that impossible connection to SFO.
Step Ten: Make connection with exactly three seconds to spare. Be too relieved to pitch fit after learning that your business class seat was given away. Take economy seat and be grateful.
Step Eleven: Ignore overly friendly passengers. Power Nap all the way home. Be happy that you can sleep anywhere.
Step Twelve: Wake up to horrific turbulence. To keep from screaming aloud in terror and to pass the time, fill out customs form. With straight face, fill in declared value box: $275.00. Who are you trying to kid. Do not think about extra suitcase budging with newly bought items.
Step Thirteen: Nap Casual.
Step Fourteen: Say Prayer Of Thanks when landing is successful. Be happy to be back on Terra Firma and in a country that doesn’t burn women alive for inadequate dowries.
Step Fifteen: Call daughter. Tell her you will be home later than expected because the entire population of the West Coast seems to be stuck in customs and screwing up your tightly wound schedule. Do these people not own PDAs? For God’s sake.
Step Sixteen: Check manicure and do not, repeat, do NOT think about contraband in suitcases. Silently curse own father for favoring Cuban cigars. What WERE you thinking? Just because he Gave You Life doesn’t mean you should risk that Life now, does it?
Step Seventeen: Wait patiently in line for 93 minutes. Smile faintly at customs official who stamps your passport and waves you through. So far, so good.
Step Eighteen: Stand at luggage turnstile for 47 and three-quarter minutes. Decide that lost bags might well be a Good Thing. They will find your bags in three days, possibly somewhere near the border of the Sudan, and deliver them right to your home. They will probably not open them however.
Step Nineteen: Be totally thrilled when bags actually do show up. Make mental note to visit Hong Kong again Very Soon. Provided you don’t get arrested today, of course.
Step Twenty: Re-enter the United States of America Casually.
Step Twenty-one: Look Very Tired. Push bags onto luggage cart and stand in line. Be patient. Work up your best Exhausted Businesswoman Expression.
Step Twenty-two: Hand customs official Declaration Form. Do not fidget. Do not make faces. Be blank. Like when on a bad date. You have much experience in this area actually.
Step Twenty-three: Do not react when customs official peers overly long at your form. Decide that even if he is going to open your bags that You Will Not Panic. The DVDs have been cleverly stashed inside bogus CD covers that reflect the name of your company. Convince yourself that all those customs officials with 25 years experience has not seen this trick before. Then recall the Cuban cigars that you did NOT take the cigar bands off of. Come to the decision that own father is to blame for this impending mess. Decide you will implicate him instantly when arrested.
Step Twenty-four: Though you are about to be arrested for the shameless criminal that you are, continue to Act Causal.
Step Twenty-five: Do NOT slap the customs official senseless when he informs you that his cousin lives in Milpitas, about two blocks from you (the real reason he was staring at your form for so long). Force warm smile and say something forgettable about it being a small world. Wish official nice day. Smile genuinely when he urges you to get some rest. Decide he was being kind, not trying to tell you, in a nice way, that you look like crap.
Step Twenty-Six: Realize, en route to home and while in company-sponsored limo that you got away with murder. Conclude you should feel vaguely insulted about the ‘get some rest’ comment after all. Wonder why customs official did not see you for the wild, sexy, crazy and possibly dangerous international femme fatale that you are.
Step Twenty-Seven: Sulk all the way to Milpitas. Briefly consider plastic surgery and a new wardrobe. Conclude that customs is hopelessly incompetent and America is therefore doomed to suffer more terrorist attacks as a result. Put off future travel plans for as long as euphoria lasts; schedule multiple Power Naps for foreseeable future. Avoid, at all costs, swarthy men named Omar and Mohammad.
How to Make A Copy of DVD Smuggled Out of Hong Kong:
Step One: Follow steps outlined above.
Step Two: Watch TTT repeatedly. Feel smug.
Step Three: Realize, after you have memorized entire dialogue of TTT, that you are now going to have to figure out a way to make copies of a bootleg DVD which, given the variety of DVD formats and the infancy of DVD copying technology, may well be impossible.
Step Four: Decide own father is totally to blame for current infuriating predicament. Spend next three weeks dismissing outlandish technical solutions from crazed but well meaning geek friends. Refuse to spend $5K on DVD hopelessly complex copying technology solution that will surely not work.
Step Five: VCR player dies. Spend three seconds deciding that Cost-Co is best route. Do not tell geek friends. You have yet to forgive them for the DVD advice anyway.
Step Six: Browse Cost-Co. Decide DVD/VCR combo player is best buy. Read specs on side of product box, just so you can spit them back to idiot geek friends whom you have decided cannot be trusted to collectively plug in an electric lamp to a wall socket.
Step Seven: Close eyes in Ultimate Pain after reading spec that says DVD/VCR product will allow DVDs to be copied onto VHS tapes.
Step Eight: Mental note to self: Kill All Geek Friends.
Step Nine: Buy DVD/VHS combo player at Cost-Co. Allow best friend’s husband to hook everything up. Resist urge to throttle grown yet helpful man when he tells you that he knew about this possible solution.
Step Ten: Make numerous copies of TTT and send to close friends. Make them all sign blood oath agreeing to buy the real DVD when it comes out because you cannot bear the thought of taking one thin dime from WingNut and Peter Jackson. New Line Cinema you don’t care about particularly but the cast and crew of The Lord of Rings Trilogy are of some import to you. This even though you still have issues with cute Scottish actor who played one of the Hobbits since you could never understand what he was saying anyway.
Step Eleven: Receive praise from excited friends who are Over The Top about receiving a quasi-decent bootleg copy of TTT. React modestly.
Step Twelve: Send own father copy of TTT even though you know he is most likely running around the world and, even after years and years of Faithful Adorable Daughter, he persists in forgetting your name. Conclude that Bitterness is Most Unattractive. Getting even, however, still works for you. Decide own father is Getting Old and Will Not Be With Us For Much Longer. Realize fraternal grandfather lived to be 90 something. Become Very Depressed. Send video tape anyway. He may change his will. You never know.
Step Thirteen: Call own father on his birthday. Try not to ask about will. Realize this is tacky unless he is hooked up to a respirator.
Step Fourteen: Realize Error of Your Ways (or pretend to) when own mother gently reminds you that if you have gotten caught smuggling DVDs out of Hong Kong that parents would NOT have come and bailed you out of the Far East equivalent of a Turkish jail. Wonder silently if that rule holds for running over Evil Ex-Husband. Decide own mother is far more discriminating than this. She would bail you out if you ran over Evil Ex for sure.
Step Fifteen: Reverse decision to run over Evil Ex. Your BMW is brand new, after all.
Step Sixteen: Resolve not to kill own father when he reveals that he didn’t know the cigars you sent for his birthday were really contraband Cuban cigars that you risked life and limb to smuggle in the country Just To Please Daddy. Decide you are Better Than This. Be secure in the knowledge that own father’s overly long streak of luck must surely wear out Very Soon. Eventually he WILL get caught in some third world toilet of a country right when something VERY BAD happens whilst you will be home, safe and secure, watching TTT for the 257th time. Ha.
Step Seventeen: Feel considerably cheered by this thought.
Step Eighteen: Mentally begin planning next trip to Hong Kong. After all, a girl must shop, right?
Step Nineteen: Decide trip must take place shortly after The Return of the King hits theaters worldwide. Conjure up visions of own father BEGGING for copy of that DVD. Feel smug again. Decide you will be able to smuggle DVD of this as yet released movie back, no problem. Decide, however, that there will be no cigars for own father next time around. God knows, he is trying to outlive everyone just to spite you. Make mental note to ask own mother about terms and conditions of insurance policies she has taken out on Old Man.
Step Twenty: Ask Casual.
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