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Ode to Buffy
Now that Buffy The Vampire Slayer has officially sealed the coffin on prime time, we join many of its followers in mourning its passing. The show had a funky take on good vs. bad, was peppered with hip yet flawed characters and featured fresh innovative writing. The show will be missed though rumors in the entertainment arena suggest that some of the characters may cross over to Angel. We therefore offer the following advice to the surviving (and perhaps to be revived from beyond the grave) characters:
Buffy: For pity’s sake stop sleeping with the undead. We don’t care how hot male vampires can be (and Angel is definitely hot), stop boinking the guys without pulses. You are creeping us out. Seriously.
Xander: Ditto for doing it with demons. Can’t you people get laid by actual, well, humans?
Willow: Use your black magic to bring back Tara. We liked Tara. Tara was proof positive that lesbians aren’t all hard-core dykes. Pat Buchanan eat your heart out. Tara was loving, soft, curvy and cool. Do something bitch’in with all that power and bring her back. Come on, we know you can.
Spike: What ARE you doing hanging around all these walking, talking snacky beefcakes? OK, so you had a thing for Buffy, so what? Every straight male in this dimension and many others totally get why you had to do The Slayer but stop wimping out and sniveling after her designer covered toush already. Angel you are not even though you have a six-pack to die for. Uh, so to speak. Tortured, tragic soul isn’t your thing. Mindless anger works for you. Get back to your roots. Bitch slapping that Shark faced demon who deals in kittens would be a good start. We hate that dude.
Anya: Dead or alive, you need a new career chicka. And a new man. Actually you need just about a new everything except wardrobe. That, at least, works for you.
Andrew: By God, do you need to come out of the closet or what? Take a trip to San Francisco, please.
Dawn: Get out of the house more often. Hanging around with your big sister and all those Buffy wannbes cannot be good for your teenage angst and flagging self esteem. It is time to explore your roots. You were once a greenish beacon of light, ‘the key’ as it were. Bet if you figured out how to channel all THAT power, you could whoop some serious demon butt and make your big sister rue the day she wouldn’t let you borrow her favorite pink sweater.
Giles: You really have to find some slightly tormented, but deeply deserving woman and put her up against a wall, you secretly lusty Brit you. Unleash Ripper. Please.
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