TheLastLaugh.net
TheLastLaugh.Net
Fall, 2004 Astrology Predictions!!!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your misery knows no bounds these days.
You continue to find yourself thinking of all the people you treated shabbily
over the years and how happy they all are without you.
Aries (March 20 – April 19): Consistency is everything therefore, continue to tell all those hotties you meet that your divorce is nearly final. God, what people won't believe.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It is enough that everyone who treated you badly is suffering beyond belief. Try to keep the evil laughter down to a minimum.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Restraint is for losers. You never did have a problem telling everyone what their faults were, now did you?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): All those horrible years of over indulgence are now coming to fruition. Yup, you are going to croak. And soon.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Nobody knows more than you do. Unfortunately, you end up spending a lot of time letting the world know this.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Yes, your life really is turning out worse than you could ever have expected. And no, things won't get any better any time soon.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You finally got your way about something really important to you. Trouble is, all the fantasies that you had as part of winning that battle won't come true.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Funny how you still see yourself as that young hottie. Hint: Nobody else has. Not for a really long time. Better to skip the high school reunion after all.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Living a clean and wholesome life is the best revenge. Doesn't feel that way right now but if you just hang on a tad bit longer, everyone who dissed you is going to end up in jail. Honest.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your partner is finally going to figure out just what that personal trainer, who's been coming over four times a week, is really doing. Well, what did you expect? You haven't put out for years now so even your dense significant other was bound to catch on. Eventually.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You finally gave that special somebody their way on a really important issue. While you feel you've lost the battle in the process, the bigger truth is that you really lost your shirt, financially speaking.
Horoscopes
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TheLastLaugh.Net Because Your Pets Run Your Life Dog Horoscopes
Aries (March 20 – April 19): That obnoxious kid living down the street really doesn't need all his limbs, does he? Besides, nobody is going to suspect YOU, Fifi. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Fact facts: if you want to be famous, you are going to have to make a fool of yourself on the Animal Planet's funniest videos. Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Advice To Remember: the butcher never rings twice. Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Don't let your human family lie to you, junk food for dogs is perfectly accepted in the best circles. Leo (July 23 – Aug 22): Brace yourself: it is almost hibernation season for squirrels. This, however, does not hold for many variety of birds and other woodland creatures so take what you can get. Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Yes the rumors really are true, in Europe dogs regularly go to human restaurants. Life can be so unfair. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Who says you need opposable thumbs? A couple of human mom's credit cards and you are in business. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: Your love life takes a turn for the worse. They were they right when they said it would never work between miniature poodle and a giant bull mastiff? Your parents thought not as well. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Any human family member who goes 'vegan' deserves to have their beloved ratty old slippers torn to shreds. What do they think all those white Styrofoam goodie boxes from the restaurants are for anyway? Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Diet dog food? For you? Not a chance, you are still young, in your prime at just 9 years. Don't let them tell you any different. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Who says you can't sleep on your human parent's bed? And since when have you listened to anything your humans had to say anyway? Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): That Garfield. He ruined it for Cats worldwide. What a showoff. Aries (March 20 – April 19): You need to pamper yourself. After all, if you don't have your naps 23 hours a day, what do you have? Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The next time somebody gives you dry cat food express your feelings by bringing the lady of the house a nearly dead rat. While this may seem contrary, trust us, it WILL have the desired effect. Gemini (May 21 – June 20): With all the lights and nooks and hidey spots, it is imperative that you get 'garage privileges' as soon as possible. After all, nobody is stopping the family dog from going into the garage now are they? Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Cheetahs give house cats a bad name. Delete the Animal Channel from the remote as soon as possible. Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Don't worry; flower arrangements are considered legal nuisances. Truly. We checked with a lawyer and everything. Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Of course you are the center of the universe. The rest of the world simply has yet to realize it yet. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Beware open clothes dryers bearing soft and warmed blankets. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): A tall tree is looming in your future but not to worry. Somebody has to keep all those firemen gainfully employed. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Squeaky rubber mice, fake feathers, sparkily dusters...who are these people kidding? Hold out for Aunt Marge's parakeet! Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Human's job: To make the bed. your job: Become a lump right in the middle of it. Simple enough. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): And they say human men, imbibing too much, can swing from the rafters? They haven't seen YOU after a whiff of the Cat nip now have they? |
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