The Chronicles of Katie The Kat Chandler
TheDailyFix
The Very Secret Diaries of Katie Chandler
Day One:
Beloved Human Mommy and tall man who spends much time loitering in upstairs
office are packing. Again. I should be used to this abuse by now as they
do this at least once a year to me. Overriding fear is that they might
not take THAT THING (aka dog) with them. The horror, the absolute horror.
Day One (Later):
I’ve been abandoned! Again. The only upside to this fresh betrayal
is that they took THAT THING with them this time. Perhaps they are taking
a very long drive into the woods and....
No, no, no, one shouldn't get one's hopes up.
Day One (Much Later): Tall man who spends much time loitering in upstairs office is definitely not the brightest human I've ever seen. Left desk full of shiny plastic credit cards. Whoppie, I feel a revenge party coming on.
Day Two:
Woke up alone. ALL alone. This used to cause considerable distress. Am now too busy plotting very large block party. Off to consult with over paid food stylist and impossible to deal with ice sculpture artist.
Day Two (Later):
Green-eyed lady has dropped by without calling. Again. She needs lessons
in manners. Was about to take another power nap (dealing with temporary
help can be so exhausting) when she barged in the door and made a huge
fuss by trying to feed me disgusting canned food. As if. Took dainty nibble
and then looked at her accusingly as she did not warm my food for precisely
11 seconds on medium high first. Peasant.
Day Two (Much Later):
Hated to be rude but had to get rid of green-eyed human lady in short
order. Had bad feeling that she wouldn't approve of giant ice sculpture
in middle of living room. Or the party for that matter. Humans have no
sense of style. Am I the only one who ever watches the Fine Living channel?
Day Three:
Where ARE those people? How long does it take to dump some dog off in
the wilderness anyway? Meanwhile, am going to have to call cleaning crew
regarding wild party that went down last night. Ice sculpture melting
in living room now. Still looks rather like a giant, 8-foot human penis
however. Quite festive. Human mommy would be quite pleased. Tall man who
spends much time loitering in upstairs office would well need therapy
however.
Day Three (Later): Green-eyed human lady came by again to feed me. Just after I had ice sculpture moved to backyard luckily. Timing is everything. She seemed perplexed by giant sodden damp spot in middle of living room. Ha. Humans are so easy to fool. Simply yawned loudly and pattered off to power nap.
Day Four: Am thinking of calling back ice sculpture artist, just to go over fresh design ideas for new party. Am feeling quite abandoned. Those people, and after all I've done for them, gracing them with my company and all. The nerve. If they ever come back will feign starvation. Not that that is too far from the truth actually. Am quite sick of take out and leftover sushi rolls. So passe sushi. Must start thinking more contemporary, such as Thai.
Day Four (later): Successfully staged fainting spell when
Those People returned. Actually wasn't staging, faint was for real because
in all the excitement they actually forgot to ditch the dog! Cannot BELIEVE
they brought THAT THING back! Have no idea why they continue to torment
me this way. Whoops, just heard huge splash in backyard. Seems THAT THING
has discovered remains of giant ic sculpture in form of an icy impromptu
swimming pool. Beloved Human Mommy and tall man who spends much time loitering
in upstairs office will spend weeks figuring that one out.
All in all not a bad day.
Must take badly needed power nap, perfect fur must be maintained above all. -- KC
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Day One: Beloved Human Mommy and tall man who spends much time loitering in upstairs office are packing. Obviously my invitation got lost in the mail. Am most unhappy about sudden turn of events. They will pay for this, mark my words. Am off to stage major feline sulk and plot various revenge schemes.
Day One (Later): Drat those people. I’ve been abandoned! I am totally
ALONE in this huge, cavernous domicile with nobody to bother me, and nobody
to harass me, and…hey, this might not be so bad after all. Am off
to locate tv remote, Cat People DVD (director’s cut) secret stash
of take out numbers (all on speed dial) and shiny credit card that silly
tall man thinks is still in his wallet. Ha. Major party coming my way.
Day One (Much Later): Fighting humongous sushi hangover. On plus side,
hyper lady with strangely cat-like green eyes and adorable human teenager/child
with compelling affinity for royal felines such as self have dropped by
for impromptu visit! While very nice surprise, it would have been more
polite had they called and made proper appointment six months ago. Have
double-checked Paw Pilot and do not see them scheduled. As a result, had
to cut meager 23-hour nap short by two grueling minutes when they arrived,
most unpleasant and sure to adversely affect appearance of royal fur.
Note to self: make Human Mommy set up additional aromatherapy appointments.
Second note to self: may also need back up appointments with famous kitty
psychiatrist (as seen on Oprah.). One just never knows.
Day Two: Woke up alone. ALL alone. Those people are going to pay for this.
Big Time. Off to investigate contents of tall man’s closet. Expensive
new French shoes looking like they have definite possibilities.
Day Two (Later): High-energy lady and wonderful teenage child have come
back! At least somebody cares if I starve to death. Even Uncle Yakamoto’s
Sushi-By-The-Ton Take Out has lost its culinary appeal. Green-eyed lady
seeming perplexed by sudden appearance of stacks of empty take out cartons
from six tons of spicy tuna rolls. However, wise teenage child just gave
me wink and knowing smile. She has redeemed my flagging faith in human
kind. Should probably consider allowing her to pet the royal fur one of
these days. On the plus side: hyper lady brought over excellent array
of butcher-select prime cuts. Humm. Filet was quite acceptable. All right
then, cat-eyed lady can live. Must keep her around to care for adoring
pretty human child anyway. The things I don’t do in the name of
compassion.
Day Two (Much Later): Have taken care of tall man’s shoes in short
order. Hope he doesn’t look too closely before putting THOSE back
on. Am feeling quite smug about entire turn of events. Off to investigate
Human Mommy’s lingerie drawer. Like I suddenly forgot the past 13
years of forced celibacy? Think again. Nobody else is going to be having
a good time around this house that’s for certain. And as lace shreds
so prettily, who says I am not in touch with my inner kitten? All in all,
a very satisfactory day….
Day Three: Where ARE those people anyway? Am starting to feel quite panicky
but will continue to maintain famous composure. Princess Diana could have
taken a leaf out of my book. Have ordered pizza with anchovies to calm
nerves while mulling over recent turn of events. Adore stinking up house
with fetid scent of tiny little dead fish while pondering next move. When
Human Mommy and tall man get back, they are going to PAY for this; did
I mention that yet? And I don’t mean with plug-in air fresheners.
Day Three (Later): Adorable human child has stopped by on secret mission.
Seems she is even smarter than I thought. She cleaned up remaining sushi
cartons and removed towers of empty pizza boxes as evidence. Just as well.
All I need is for Human Mommy to enter therapy after seeing what I’ve
done to this house. It is always about her anyway. Sat in human child’s
lap and permitted moderate cuddle. Just my way of saying thanks for the
emergency supplies of poached salmon and Moo Shoo pork she slipped me.
Miffed when she told me to fork over tall man’s credit card however.
Must remember not to brag too much about revenge conquests in on-line
kitty chat rooms. This kid must have serious informant. Am betting I was
ratted out by ThudStudboy, on-line flirt with no sense of proprietary.
Need to go and check message boards for clues.
Day Three (Much Later): Well, wouldn’t you know it!
Looked out the front window and saw Human Mommy and tall man have finally
returned. Fine by me as I am already near death from starvation diet have
been forced to endure. Will allow them to come back as am very weak from
lack of food and cannot fight right now. Will save cute litter box trick
for when strength returns and can fully enjoy the ensuing chaos.
For now, plan on lengthy recovery involving much sleep, multiple meals
and marathon periods of ignoring wretched human squatters violating my
private domain.
Just heard tall man scream. Ah yes. Guess he looked inside shoes after
all. Somebody is always ruining my nice little surprises.
Off for power nap. -- KC
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