TheLastLaugh.net

Male Dog Owners: You Are Who Play Fetch With

Singles: You Are Who You Walk (On A Leash)

Single men out there listen up: There is a new game in town. A new and exciting way to meet hot babes in a fun, stress free environment:

Take your dog, any dog for that matter, to a puppy play park.

Now, if you live in a major city or in the Bay Area proper this is easy. The area is chock full of puppy parks. This is because people in Silicon Valley actually do buy paw pilots for their pets so they can keep their animal’s social schedules in order. People in high tech la la land take their animals for aromatherapy and to professional animal masseuses.

In the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, this is all considered totally normal.

To investigate the lure of Cute Babes holding leashes (yum, yum), some of TLL.net staffers when undercover and borrowed their parent’s and friend's mutts so they could hang out at local puppy play grounds.

What we found was a Mecca of Babes, date central, lots of opportunities to meet and greet and get to know each other. And we aren’t talking about the four footed kind of encounter either.

You can tell a lot about a person by the animal they keep. For instance, as hot as she was, we all sort of agreed to skip the chick with the four, yes FOUR Great Danes.

And no, we don’t want to hear about mellow and sweet tempered Danes are. That’s probably true but hey, would there be any room in bed with this babe?

We think not.

We also got really nervous around the two well-sculpted chicks who brought pit bulls to the park. Granted, Snuffles and Pookie (no, we couldn’t make this up if we tried) really were sweet dogs but their owners had that, spent way too many hours at the gym look about them. Who wants a chick who can beat the snot out of you anyway? Well, we probably will but not until we are 40 or so.

The lady with the Italian Gray Hound also got the no vote. Frankly, she made us nervous, she was more high strung than her speedy pup. And the really cute biker chick with the adorable boxer puppy regrettably was also given a ‘no hit on’ vote. The Scottish Geisha’s cousin raises Boxers. We have seen that breed up close and personal. And we know what a Boxer, with its 'extended adolescence' can do to the sanity of any given household. No thanks. We know who runs that house.

However, we are nothing if not optimistic. The leggy gal with the Rhodesian Ridgeback (a rare breed taught to take down lions in Africa) had a certain allure about her as did the spunky girl with the funny little black Scotty (who scrappily guarded a badly killed tetherball with its little life). And the 40-ish lady with the impeccably groomed standard poodle had a certain lethal air about her though it could have been the tight leather pants. It could have been the dog come to think of it because by this time, we were totally smitten with Dog Park Doings and the Women Who Have Dogs Who Go To Dog Parks. So many breeds, so little time.

Scottish Terriers: Sadly, these men have no idea how silly they look next to this mobile mop. It’s best not to tell them because they tend to marry emasculating women who do a number of their self-esteem. Be kind. This dog is the only positive thing they have going for them.

Saint Bernards: Picking a breed because your children saw the movie ‘Beethoven’ 27 times is not a good idea. This is something owners figured out around the time the dog stands over them and drools on their sleeping face. By that time it is always too late. The family would happily choose the dog over the dad if it came down to a choice and most owners figure that one out too late as well.

Australian Shepards: Ex-military for the most part, they marry seemingly pliant Philippine mail order brides who soon leave them for younger, less controlling men without erection issues. American beer is the only liquid they consume and they talk a lot about ‘moving to the country’ so the dog can have more space to run. Truth is, they are simply anti-social and nobody likes them.

Rhodesian Ridgebacks: Owners have not clue one about the breed that they own. In fact, they don’t care. It is all about them and always will be. Most are on their fourth wife and think she also doesn’t pay enough attention to them. Luckily, the soon to be ex-wives nearly always get canine custody.

Russian Wolfhounds: Owners are obsessed with Russian history and tend to spend a lot of time on line trying to trace their ancestry to Russian nobility. They continue to ignore the fact that they were spawned by Irish immigrant shanty dwelling sharecroppers and will never master any foreign language. Sadly, their ultimate dream is to purchase an on-line Russian bride.

Gordon Setters: Men pick this breed, ostensibly for hunting, but they suck at the sport and always do poorly no matter how adept the dog is. Owners spend a lot of time trying to get back with the woman they blew it with a decade ago. They have a lot of restraining orders issued against them and are habitual cheaters.

Afghan Hounds: The absolute favored choice of drag queens and cross dressers, these dogs end up leading very confusing lives. Thank god the breed has good olfactory senses and knows what really lies beneath the taffeta. On the plus side, owners know how to accessorize so the breed is always well turned out and impeccably groomed.

Greyhounds: Most are owned by compassionate ex-hippies who, with the best of intentions, ‘rescued’ their dogs from a brutal life of racing. They spend an entire life trying to put some weigh on their dogs and have the best intentions but even Greyhounds won’t eat organic tofu based dog food. The only time they are neglectful is when they get themselves arrested for protesting. Some habits die hard.

Bull Dogs: Male owners have seen every single episode of Seinfield at least three times. They prefer imported English brews and spend all their free time down at the local brewery loudly pretending to have a busy and demanding life waiting for them elsewhere. They remain overwhelmingly bitter about having to pay meager child support long after they have ceased shelling it out. Ex wives dumped them for their best friend.

Welsh Corgis: Though they never pick up their dirty socks, these owners still tend to make good spouses and decent fathers. They watch a little too much football but will always walk the dog, even in a blizzard. These guys will fix broken appliances and do carpool without having to be asked twice. They automatically order take out when you have the flu. If you can over look that one alternative sexual experience they had at 15, then this could be the guy for you.

Yorkshire Terriers: Great fans of alternative and foreign films, male owners eschew traditional television and demand that you do the same. They like to read long, boring passages from their perpetually unfinished novel and expect you to drop everything and listen with rapt attention. They react badly and we do mean badly even to the slightest hint of literary criticism. They are rarely interested in having sex but when they are will reward any sexual effort by mercilessly dissecting your performance. They hoard secret stashes of pornographic magazines.

Chihuahuas: Surprisingly macho, they will spoil any female children they are related to and live for soccer matches. They collect jerseys of teams from other countries and cannot image their sons not doing the same. They tend to be pro union, hard working and comfortable with grilling. They watch the Food Channel and their only known weakness is occasionally fantasizing about Nicole Kidman while having sex.

Jack Russell Terriers: The bitterest of male dog owners, they never have forgiven their pet for not being as smart or successful as the one on Fraser. They are chronic underachievers and except you to make way more money than them while they only work part time and spend way too much time watching The Cartoon Network. They are constantly seeking a lawyer, pediatrician or aging starlet as a mate who will support them as a stay at home lifer.

Chow-Chows: The pet of choice for CEOs, heart surgeons and district attorneys with bright political futures, owners of Chows tend to exhibit extreme ambition, lots of success and little patience for anyone who is not, ‘going along with the game plan’. They are surprisingly good in the sack but expect you to be back to a perfect size four six weeks after giving birth to your third child. They will pay for your plastic surgery but may well dump you for a 24 year old grad student when they hit their mid life crisis.

Doberman Pinschers: Men who own Dobermans are covering up significant shortcomings in.…..other areas of their lives. Think middle-aged male Porsche owners and you will get the idea. Guys like this want to pick fights in seedy bars but always back down because they know, from that still vividly humiliating experience in third grade, that they will get their asses whooped. Their jeans never fit right and they often get dumped after the first date.

Old English Sheepdogs: Owned more often than not by rapidly aging professional grad students sporting tweed jackets and cheap pipes. These guys work hard to affect a cliche academic persona but rarely carry it off well. They got fired from their one and only job outside of going to college and secretly live off the charity of an aging relative. They drive a ten-year-old Honda Civic and never have any money for real dates.

Great Pyrenees: Mellow breed often owned by fanatic, obsessed breed lover. Can and will tell anybody who so much as glances in the direction of their pet every single detail about their dog and the breed. Persists in being a walking dictionary of facts and trivia about the breed despite the fact that women more often than not run screaming in the opposite direction. Dog often sports expression bordering on brink of comma due to owner’s boring obsession.

Lhasa Apso: Male owners are gay but can most always make a mean iced mocha latte.

Siberian Husky: Owners are into snow skiing way too much. They will spend every winter weekend on the slopes and expect you to do the same. They subscribe to every winter sport magazine known to humanity and think and an exciting evening consists of waxing their skis and arguing about past Olympic defeats of favorite athletes. Most are premature ejaculators and insist on going Dutch on everything.

Weimaraners: Artistic and initially easy going, straight male owners tend to have many gay female friends. They are territorial about their kitchen space and will freak out if you leave a toothbrush at their home even after seeing each other for more than a year. Even in their 40s they still have major issues with commitment and are always looking for someone thinner and prettier than you.