Saddam's War Against America Diaries
TheDailyFix
News Flash! U.S. forces in Iraq have discovered Saddam's personal journals! TheLastLaugh.net brings you exclusive experts from Saddam's War Against America Diaries.
The First Day of War: That stupid Bush.
He thinks he’s the boss of me. Well, I am not Feared Dictator for
nothing. He’s going to get bitch slapped all the way back to Texas.
Off to relax in Rape Room.
The Second Day of War: Americans are so loud. So what
if they hit a couple of my palaces? I have plenty more palaces. And wives
for that matter.
Third Day of War: War beginning to cut in on much deserved
social time. Have other things to do too, you know. Locals to torture
and main. Went back on TV just to spite Bush however. Ha! My tan is better
than his. Still.
Fourth Day of War:
Sent sexy French Pressie a little love note to remind him of our wild
night of passion. Know he still wants me. Am I hot in cammo or what?
Fifth Day, War: War beret not fitting the way it used
to. War beginning to bother me terrible much. Will make Sons Number One
and Two play Russian Roulette to cheer self up.
Sixth Day: Nobody wants to play, “Spank the Dictator”
anymore. Executed four top military officials to show them what happens
when they refuse to play proctologist. Ha. Am still the Most Powerful
despite reports that American troops are a day’s camel ride of Baghdad.
Seventh Day: Spent considerable time talking with Swiss
bankers. Tried to call Syrian and Libyan leaders to, you know, just chat.
Am terrible hurt nobody was there to take my calls. Am thinking of taking
a holiday. Could use a break.
Eighth Day: Bush really beginning to get on nerves. Hate
that stiff-necked General Franks as well. Doesn’t that man ever
sleep? How many Marines did these Americans send over anyway? Am beginning
to hope for early heat wave.
Ninth Day: That just tears it. Bush’s troops have
gone and blown up my very FAV palace. Snot nosed SUV driving, infidels!
Favorite unmentionables were in that palace. Think lost a few wives there
as well. Oh well, wives can be replaced. Could use a few virgins come
to think of it. Note to self: Check out war cabinet and see who hasn’t
been had yet.
Tenth Day: Have suffered from non-stop migraine all day.
Momar not returning my calls. Am terrible hurt as thought we shared something
special. Male slut. Probably making time with that religious whack-o,
Osama. He could do better.
Eleventh Day: Absolutely refuse to deal with this war
anymore. I mean it. Have lost most of military due to defections. No matter.
I will execute the lot of them.
Oh bother. Power has gone out again. And what is that pounding noise?
Can’t my regime make those stupid locals shut up? Will confiscate
their gas masks if things don’t quite down.
Twelfth Day: Whoops. Turns out the noise is due to Americans
nearing my city, not noisy locals. Will have to move. Bother. How I detest
packing. And haven’t heard back from French connection. Don’t
care anyway. He was short and ate way too much garlic.
Thirteenth Day: Way too busy to go on TV right now. Made
body doubles go visit troops. Ha, ha. Those yabbos will never know the
difference.
Fourteenth Day: It’s not that I’m squeamish
or have a problem with violence, Lord knows, but did my own troops have
to send back body doubles all drawn and quartered? Sheesh. How sensitive
can you get? Understand that they are being blown to bits left and right
but this is over the top. Really. Will make them fire up more oil fields
now. Major Pout.
Fifteenth Day: Have had to move a dozen times today.
Am so angry with Bush that called the Oval Office three times and hung
up. Thought that was great until I got a call back from Bush saying, “I
know it was you Sadam.” Am so embarrassed. Note to self, when this
stupid war is over, be sure to declare death penalty for anybody using
Caller ID or star 69.
Sixteenth Day: Am so depressed. Had to flee city. Forced
number one and two sons to stay behind and Defend Our People. Boy, they
must take after their mother. Not too bright those two. Am re-thinking
destroying Israel as well. That’s how morose I have become.
Seventeenth Day: Have just reached the end of patience.
Must have extended holiday, just must. Life is too short to be dealing
with this kind of hassle. Have finally gotten hold of neighboring rulers
and found them terrible unfriendly. Who knew. Momar even went so far as
to suggest I need to make nice with Bush. Can you imagine! Will not kiss
up to tacky cowboy, just will not.
Eighteenth Day: Have had time to calm down while hiding
in filthy cave in dessert. Have gained perspective. Bush not so bad really.
Maybe we have something in common; will invite him to play “Spank
the Dictator’ and see what develops.
Nineteenth Day: Bush no fun whatsoever, but what did
I expect. Heathen American. And terrible unfriendly even after I offered
to share Rape Room videos. Have decided my friendship is worth more than
this. Will not lower self again.
Twentieth Day: Nasty Marines have positively ruined my
weekend. But wait till they find out I had one body double left alive.
Ha. Go me. Still…terrible hurt over rejection of friendship from
Bush. Off to visit old Nazi pal in S. America. Should be fun. Will consider
sending Bush cute postcard so nobody thinks I hold a grudge. --- SH
Copyright© 2003. All rights reserved.