I seem to be doomed to bear witness to directional grammatical errors and
strange written signs. One thing that I have hidden well from bosses over the years is that I compulsively read printed material. My eyes are instantly drawn to the printed word. I can read right side up, sideways, and, often most useful, upside down. Reading upside down came in especially handy when I was working in the corporate world. During every meeting with the Upper Boss in my capacity as the Upper Middle Boss, my boss would always take a call during our meetings. This was my "special time" as the UB's rude behavior always gave me time to read anything I shouldn't be reading that was on the desk of my boss. UB was always distracted trying to cover her ass, thus giving me ample time to let my eyes wander. There was always a wealth of information to be obtained in this way. This leads to the point of my story. I read the large, medium and small print, in other words, all the print.

Several years ago I was staying at a Disney Hotel in Florida. If you have ever stayed at one of the Disney Resorts, then you know that the MOUSE figures prominently. After hours at the park one day, I retired to my room for a long, hot bath. I picked up my Mickey Mouse boxed shower cap, and noticed the directions on the side of the box. It simply said "Fits One Head." I don't know about you, but I have never invited anyone else to use a shower cap with me while I have been wearing it. This is carrying closeness just a little too far. Call me spoiled, but I will call housekeeping and ask for another shower cap before I share. This product was fabricated in Taiwan, and on a recent visit to Disneyland, I noticed that the shower cap box no longer says this. I checked. I don't remember what it said this time around since it was not at all unusual.

I have a current prescription that reads, "insert one tab per vagina every day." I quickly did a random, albeit, not a very extensive survey of my girlfriends and all of them confirmed that they only have one vagina. I also checked my Gray's Anatomy, and it too lists standard female anatomy as having one vagina. What does the pharmacist know that others in the medical profession do not seem to be aware of? Is she having much more fun than the rest of us? Actually one of my friends did know of a woman who had two uteri, but only one vagina. On another note, about half of my friends are
no longer returning my calls. I wonder why? I feel compelled to tell the pharmacist of her, yes, I said her error next time I have this prescription refilled. No, my doctor did not write this "per vagina" directive on the prescription, I know, because I read it before I gave it to the pharmacist.

This takes us to Signs (not signs of life in other solar systems) but signs that are interesting in a twisted sort of way. Who can doubt the wisdom of CalTRANS? Actually the answer is most Californians, but I digress. CalTRANS has great signs. Today I was driving by an area with many trees and several of their colorful orange signs that read "Men Working In Trees." I looked up expecting to see desks, chairs, laptop computers and many branch offices in several other trees. I wondered if headquarters was maybe in a Giant Redwood up north, with a really great high-rise tree office. What happens when
workers have to use the restroom? Do they just let it fly over the side, or climb down the rope ladder and use the toilet at the closest fast food restaurant? Then I thought about the logistics of conducting business on a daily basis in a tree. Do you have casual tree Fridays? Do you need a phone system or just a bunch of cans with strings, and when you upgrade your communication system do you just get really neat walkie-talkies?

When I first moved to Santa Clara County to go to college in the very early 70's, Interstate 880 was still Highway 17. Interstate 101 ran under highway 17 and there was an exit from 17 to 101 and visa versa. The exit and entrance for both highways was about 100-200 feet and there was no separate lane for either highway. Once you took the exit for either Highway you were on the other respective Highway. It was somewhat suicidal and a high accident area so even on a slow traffic day, you were taking your life in your hands. CalTRANS placed the following helpful and directive sign in this area, which was: WEAVE. Yes, I said WEAVE. This sign was there for years. I often wondered what visitors to the area thought about this. CalTRANS apparently felt that this would be of help to all of the out of state visitors needing clarification when first encountering this maze.

Martha and Clyde come from Texas for the annual family reunion of the only member of their family that has ever left the great state:

Martha: "Directions say to take 101 to 17 South. I see it right up ahead yonder."
Clyde: "OK, how far yonder? Dangit! I missed it!?"
Martha: "No darlin', wait, I see a sign. It says….weave?" Isn't that nice, they are supportin' fabric arts. Oh wait, maybe they want us to merge into to that big ol' bunch o' cars."
Clyde: "But there ain't no lane to merge and there are too many cars."
Martha: "Clyde, see the sign, we done merged already. We will be in time
to see your Uncle Harry blow out the 100 candles on his Birthday cake."
Clyde: "Screw Uncle Harry, I need me a beer."
Martha: "Yes, dear."

Finally, I was walking on grounds of a very exclusive, classy hotel in a small town near Santa Barbara. The grounds were beautiful with directional wooden signs. One of the signs said "Beware of Falling Pine Cones." Are falling pine cones a liability issue? At what velocity does a pine cone fall? Can pine cones cause a brain injury? Or, as I truly suspect, are irritated squirrels hurling pine cones at grossly overcharged, rich guests? Is it just gravity acting up again? Is it one of those mystery spots where balls roll uphill and gravity is taking a time out. Are the really rich unaware that pine cones can fall on them as well as the working class? Are these bitter reminders really necessary on lavish vacations?

I am sure there are those out there who are at this very moment calculating the velocity of a falling pine cone (engineers), the liability issues of a falling pine cone causing bodily injury (lawyers), more specific warning signs (hotel owners), and I don't get it (CalTRANS).